Raul Tabaranza blog

There is another beautiful message in the gospel today. In my fifties by now, many things have changed in my life. Since from my child in Mapang, Rizal ZN, to our transfer to Sibutad ZN, to high school and college, working in the bank, moving around the world and becoming a missionary, so many many things have changed. Changes that brought positivity and great joy in my life. But there were changes also that brought pain, death in the family, hardships in studies, rejections, broken relationships, difficulties in the mission, harassments and many forms of pains and hostilities that almost brought downfall in my life. But all the same, whether negative or positive, we have to welcome changes. You see in the gospel today, people were very much admiring of the temple in Jerusalem- the altar decorated with precious gem, very expensive stones. The beautiful temple was adored by people and it became the centre of worship. But so many are just admiring of the beauty of the material c

"There is nothing left to fear than the harshness of a heart of stone. There the monks pray to God for the “gift of tears” so that their hearts might find comfort.” And according to the author, Freddy Dewahl, “The gift of tears- judging from Jean-Pierre’s face, he has cried many tears out of gratitude.” This is another powerful message for me. The gift of tears. I asked myself, “When was the last time that I cried?” I cried when I celebrated the funeral of my Tsonga teacher, Douglas. He was so young, just in his 30’s. He died early of 2021, very sudden, not even showing any illness. He became a good friend to me. We shared a lot of jokes as we both dug deeper the language. I cried too when a confrere of the community died last year. At 92, Fr. Aldo was full of energy and wisdom. We argued many times, but on his deathbed, he requested me to sit at his side to listen to his confessions. Then I was also the one who closed his eyes for the last time. But I cried more i

Thomas Merton said that: " If we really want prayer, we'll have to give it time, we must slow down to a human tempo and we'll begin to have time to listen. And as soon as we listen to what is going on, things will begin to take shape themselves." I really think about this deeply, because as if I live a busy life, and even if I pray, I feel I pray very little. I should say, I really spend a lot of time for personal silence and prayer, but I feel I pray little. I don't know why. I love what Merton said: "Today, time is a commodity, and for each one of us, time is mortgaged." Like time is about work and commitments, it is about office things, business and accounting. Time is about social media and many other forms of communications, mostly with virtual friends. We forget the time of God, the "kairos" moment, and I guess it brings us back into personal silence and prayer. Kairos is that qualitative time of life, the opportune time, the

THE ANGUISH This thought I just borrowed, which seemed fitting to my painting. There is the positive side of Anguish- Spiritual Anguish. “11Therefore I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. 12Am I a sea, or a whale, that thou settest a watch over me? 13When I say, My bed shall comfort me, my couch shall ease my complaint; 14Then thou scarest me with dreams, and terrifiest me through visions: 15So that my soul chooseth strangling, and death rather than my life. 16I loathe it; I would not live alway: let me alone; for my days are vanity. 17What is man, that thou shouldest magnify him? and that thou shouldest set thine heart upon him? 18And that thou shouldest visit him every morning, and try him every moment? 19How long wilt thou not depart from me, nor let me alone till I swallow down my spittle? 20I have sinned; what shall I do unto thee, O thou preserver of men? why hast thou set me as a mark

GOD DESIRES TO BE MY THIRST “God desires to be my thirst. By retreating, He lets me discover Himself. By concealing, He reveals His secrets; and by withholding Himself from us, He delivers Himself.” Excerpt from the book of Hadewijch, a Flemish mystic of the Middle Ages. This is also quoted by Freddy Derwahl, the author of the Last Monk of Tibhirine. I really don’t know why these words caught my attention while reading the book. Perhaps, I could see these lines very relatable to me. There was a time in my life that I was filled with spiritual barrenness, though I was exercising my mission with so much energy and enthusiasm. People have seen me so warm, happy and energetic. They even called me “happy man” because of my happy disposition. But deep within me was a deep longing and spiritual drowsiness. I thought I was just exhausted. It was more than that, I just felt that my well was drying out. The water inside was like finishing. I was spiritually gasping. I prayed and p

Letter to my mother.... Dearest Nanay, I am just missing you. I guess this big and empty space in my heart is because I am longing for you. It has been 18 years since you left and I am still feeling this great emptiness within me. I am so sorry I was not with you in your difficult moments until you departed. I understand the reason of my pain, of my sadness and longing for affection now. As I am trying to process my whole journey in this sabbatical year, this emotion is a constant issue, occurring many times in my encounters with my psychologist. It is because I have not expressed to you in words my gratitude. Thank you very much for everything. Thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for raising me. Thank you for educating me, for allowing me to grow as a good citizen. Thank you for all the efforts, the hard work, for waking up so early to attend for our daily needs. Thank you for loving me. I am a good son. I have good brothers and sister, in-laws, nieces and and nephews.

If you know the story or have read the story of the “Knight In a Rusty Armour, you will love the proud knight in the end. Because he loves his armour so much, that he even wears everything even in eating or sleeping. His wife and son could not really figure out what is his face. They argued always and his wife threatened to leave the knight if he will not remove his armour. The knight started getting worried, until he decided one day, to go to the ironsmith, but failed. The armour got stuck all over his body and face. So he went into the desert to ask the help of Merlin the magician. Now I just want to make a reflection in one of their encounters. Merlin asked the rabbits to chew some carrots and feed the Knight through his visor. The knight was very week of hunger, but still very proud. They had confrontations, but the knight was still very much hard headed at that time, unable to listen, but always argued with Merlin and the rabbits. The knight complained to Merlin that

These are the words of the father of Bro. Jean-Pierre Schumacker, from the book "The Last Monk of Tibbirine". Actually, he is a priest, but because of their monastic tradition, they all call each other Brother. Jean-Pierre is the last survivor of the monks of Tibbirine. He lived alongside the seven Trappist Monks, who were killed during the Algerian Civil War. They were men who witnessed to the grace and peace of Jesus. "The Lord cares in a special way for the parents of a priest”, is a very powerful line for me. Jean-Pierre had witnessed the death of His own father, and before he closed his eyes for the last time, he uttered these wonderful words. Unfortunately, I did not witness the death of my mother, as I was studying Theology in England. I would have heard her last words also, and I just imagine what she would have said to me. When I joined the seminary, I told her (while she was lying bedridden and invalid) that "You will do the contemplation here in y

When you are bored, what happens? When I am bored, sometimes I get more fruitful. When I am bored, I just sit down, and very easily, my hands take my brushes and paints and I start painting, or I doodle or write something, as I also write a lot. Very seldom I get lazy and bored because I have some outlets to do. As I have said, I become fruitful, because I see something coming out of my boredom. So I feel that boredom does not exist to me. Hahahahaha But there are times that I really feel tired and sleepy, and so I give in. I don’t take it as boredom. I know that my body craves for sleep sometimes, and I don’t want to deny my body for that. I treat my body so well. When I feel sleepy, I pamper my body by giving extra sleep. It is healthy I supposed, or else I will work tired and spend the rest of the day with a very heavy feeling. Also when I feel there is nothing to do, I go and see my rabbits and chickens, or my plants and the garden. These are another hobbies that giv

RETREAT ADAM, WHERE ARE YOU? RAUL, WHERE ARE YOU? Adam was not a happy person because he was feeling very lonely. So God decided to give him a company, Eve. Then Adam became a very happy man. It seems like God, Adam and Eve were living in the same roof, and they used to go for a walk in the garden. Their relationship was perfect. And Adam and Eve were not ashamed of their nakedness. One day, God was surprised not to see Adam and Eve, so He called Adam, “Where are you?” God knew exactly where they were, but He called them to have a personal answer from Adam. But now Adam and Eve were not comfortable anymore because they were naked. The hid themselves behind the trees, and they covered their naked bodies with leaves of the trees. That was the start of the BLAME GAME. Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent (Satan). They became victims of the tempter. They allowed themselves to be victimized by a THIRD PARTY. They broke their relationship with God, afraid, ashamed, unco

I don’t know why this question came into my mind, but I see a great importance to this. This brought me to my experience during the Comboni Year, or my year of Sabbatical in Rome. Each one of us were accompanied by a psychologist, and I was just so lucky to have a psychologist who helped me open the rest of my horizons, especially with friendships, relationship with others and the rest of the people who surrounded my life in the past years, and those who are also present in my life now. Does it really matters what others think of me? I should say “yes” or “not at all”. There are words which are very constructive, from people who look at you as real dear friend, who is concern for your own good, and who is open to you no matter what. I said “yes” because their words can help for your growth, in relation to yourself and to others. Most of your true friends can tell you straightforward if there is something wrong or something needs to be done. They are not afraid to tell you th

I would like to use some millennial terms as I express my gratitude at this moment and also of my departure for a new mission in South Africa. Frankly speaking, I am so very EAGANX (eager but anxious), specially that this would be my first time to work in this country. I am EXCITRRIED (excited but worried), if I would be able to perform my mission like I did fourteen years ago. As I am getting older (50 by now), the physical machine is no longer that fast. Every time I go and move to a new place, I always experience SEPANX (separation anxiety). I feel the pain of leaving, especially when I am already rooted to a place and with people. I have been asked many times what I am feeling right now going back to Africa. I am excited but not afraid. I told my community here in Sucat, that the only question I asked was that: Why I did not insist to the General Administration in Rome that I want to go back to my first love, MALAWI-ZAMBIA? But I guess, what is giving me the inner freedom

Do you feel more refreshed by spending time with people or by yourself? Inasmuch that I love being with people, I also love being with myself. I have many good friends, and depending to situations, countries and premises, I go and see people, move around with them, eat somewhere, party in their houses and visit places, chat, laugh and cry sometimes, and I always feel great with them. I find meaning of a life shared among many, as I was doing in England, Philippines, Rome, Africa and in the missions. People just give me life in return. But at the end of the day, I always long for solitude, just to sit down in silence. I guess this is already in my system, I got use of just being by myself, reading and writing a lot, doodling or painting. I think I am more productive in my silence, though some are for personal hobbies. I always long for a spiritual connection early morning and at the end of the day, I just stay in the chapel, sit down even without any words to say. At any time

Dearest Tourists and Pilgrims, Peace and God bless. Happy feast day of the Sacred Heart. At this point, we just finished our recollection, and now, we are on individual prayers before the Blessed Sacrament. As always, I take this moment of prayers to write down my reflection very spontaneously. Why I write to tourists and pilgrims? We were asked to situate ourselves as both tourists and pilgrims and ask within where our hearts are at the moment, or where my heart is by now. I love the images, because I myself have travelled in many parts of the world as a missionary, for meetings or workshops, and most often, I do side trips for touristic purposes and as pilgrim too. I have travelled to many holy sites as a pilgrim. At first! I look back that Eastertime, when two disciples were on a journey to Emmaus, with sad faces and broken hearts because of what happened to the master. Then, without recognizing, Jesus joined them on the road and taught them the scriptures and what is goin

IF MY BODY COULD TALK, IT WOULD SAY…. I would like to share my last two years in Zambia, Chikowa Mission, when I felt that I was slowly physically taken by malaria. This was in 2010-2012, when I was constantly attacked by malaria. I had my first malaria sometimes in 2007, four years after I arrived, and I was very confident that I would not get it. I was so used with the climate, the surroundings and the villages. I was moving evey week and sleeping in the villages was never a problem to me. My first attack was really terrible, and I thought I would die. In fact, I prayed already for forgiveness, then I also gave forgiveness to people who have hurt me. I lost all my energy, and literally, I crawled on the floor to open my door. I lost gradually my breathing, I was feeling very hot but also feeling very cold. Then I gathered all my power, and sat on the floor. That was the key, I breathed better. Slowly, I went for hot shower and was a bit relieved. I was brought to the hospit

Morning visit of Bursars- Civita di Bagnoregio, Viterbo, Italy Italy’s City Of The Dead: Civita di Bagnoregio is a mystical, magical city. Inhabited by only 14 full time residen ts, it is located deep in the Umbrian hill country. The city rises from the Canyon below almost totally isolated from the civilization around it. The last bridge to the city was bombed in World War II. A single narrow foot path was built after the war to reconnect the town to its neighbor, Bagnoregio. Civita di Bagnoregio was constructed in the 8th century by Etruscans and was, for a time, part of the Etruscan’s principle route to Rome. Entry into the town is accomplished by climbing the steep roadway on foot, or relying on a motorcycle or motor scooter. It is a tourist destination only for the adventurous and the strong. The trek is almost impossible for the frail or those with small children. For visitors willing and able to climb to Civita, the journey ends by walking through the city gate, carved fro

WHEN DID YOU MISS AN OPPORTUNITY YOU WISH YOU HAD TAKEN? WHY DID YOU TURN IT DOWN AT THAT TIME? When I was in the university, around 1987-88, I was nineteen years old then, I submitted a picture of mine to an agency through a friend in Manila, applying to become a commercial model. It was purely for fun and good luck, but I was also excited about it. I received a reply and I was asked to go to Manila to try, and I would start as a commercial model for toothpaste. They said they loved my smile. I was so happy for that. I come from a middle class family and I don’t have the resources for my stay there. My classmates offered to help me for the transport- boat fare. But I was so scared, what will happen to me in Manila? Where shall I stay? What will I eat? How will I survive? If there is no shooting, what will I do? And many other questions. I was not so brave enough to risk everything. I could have been a potential actor, who knows. But it was not the plan of God for me. My d

HAVE I DONE ANYTHING THAT IS WORTH REMEMBERING? (Nursing the wounds of little children in the mission) This was around 2004-2012, in Chikowa Mission, Zambia. I remember, when I arrived there, the road was really bad, some don’t have a road at all. They only have small pathways, and for me to go to the villages, I really had to walk sometimes in the scorching heat of the sun. I got used of sleeping in the villages, mostly from Wednesday to Sunday, so I had more chance of visiting the people, praying with them, visiting the sick, anointing and giving communion, chatting with them, and reaching other Christians. I normally visited deep villages, there were no schools, no clinics except little huts made of mud and grass. Some of the outstations are very far, so we had to move as a team. Some youth to teach little children, Math, English, and others. In our team were women too, who had to deal with women and elderly, and some men or a Catechist to do some catechesis to adults. M

SURPRISES OF LIFE O Lord Jesus, God of surprises, Thank you for the wisdom imparted in me, Thank your for the mission, This vocation is the biggest surprise in my whole life. When I look at myself right now, I am full of surprises how you prepared my life. My past reveals something, though some came through pains. You have allocated my life for something. As I do a lot of revisions in this year of formation I see that that my past is a ladder, That as I climbed up, I also struggled with fear and heights, Yet you have surprised me with immense strength beyond my understanding. Thank you dear Lord Your surprises transformed me into a strong person. Continue to instill in my heart The joy of being surprised by you. Amen. Fr. Raul B. Tabaranza, mccj

This happened just recently before covid time. I was in the village to visit some sick people. There were about seven old men and women in the list, sick and and old and they could not go to church anymore. I would like to talk only two of them, which I think was really touching for me. They brought me to an old woman. She was completely bent. She had a stroke in the past, limping and could not talk properly. I waited at the small sala of her house. When she came out, as if heaven was on her side, very happy for the visit, and really prepared herself. We started our prayer, then I anointed her, gave her communion and then we closed our prayer. We chatted a bit. I never expected that she asked somebody to prepare snacks for us. Then she gave me the two bottle of two-liter soft drinks. Besides that, she gave me an offering, big enough! Of course, I refused the offering, seeing of her situation. I really thought that she would need it more than I do. But she was very insi

I would like to share another contemplation of mine, which for me is really meaningful. July 15th, 2006 ​There is a beautiful Psalm that I would like to start reflecting today, Psalm 131: A prayer of humble trust. “Lord, I have given up my pride and turned away from my arrogance. I am not concerned with great matters or with subjects too difficult for me. Instead, I am content and at peace. As a child lies quietly in its mother’s arms, so my heart is quiet within me. Israel trust in the Lord now and forever!” ​My soul truly feels I am that Israel, called for such a humble trust and confidence to the Master. I am that proud Israel, who turned away from God, whose heart is stained with sin and deceit, whose arrogance maybe hidden but manifesting. Today, my soul is called not only to acknowledge all my inconsistencies but also my failures and shortcomings. ​I love very much the image of the Child in the Mother’s Arms, peaceful and quiet, secured and given much warmth and protect

MEDITATION- HOSEA 11 August 11, 2004 12:00Noon (Just another scattered thoughts) RAUL, IT WAS I WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO WALK: ​For me this is one of the most striking images in the text. I imagine the Lord, like a mother, with all His patience exercising my limbs, feet and muscles so that I may learn how to walk. He is there also caressing me with love, and most of all, sacrificing everything for me. ​The Lord took me in His arms, full of promises, assurances and protection. He never allowed my fragile self to be destroyed, knowing how vulnerable my body is. I have full but creative imagination of the Lord, picking me up where I could do nothing, and with all His love and attention, poured on me what is lacking in my life. ​The Father took care of my fragile soul and nourished it with spiritual food. He used people, events and other expressions of love. Compared to a little child, my soul is completely dependent on Him. I could do nothing, like a very defenceless child- very

CONSUME ME MY LORD…. Raul Tabaranza (Directed Retreat 2004) Lord, I have a very materialistic fear, Pride moves within me. At times, I refuse to go up to the mountain, But rather be contented with the world. I dream of a project But fear put it down. For I feel like a powerless soul. Father, Fire that never dies, Burn all my inequities, Melt my anxieties with the tenderness of your love Absorb my whole being, Set my heart ablaze, Consume my soul and purify me. Today, as you wish, I take off my sandals, I will step on the holy ground and bare all my insecurities. Tomorrow, I will set off for my mission, Make the place holy as you are holy. Allow the holy mission to become a part of me. You are Providence, Let your superabundance be overflowing. I will never be able to do my best without you. Consume me, Absorb me, Transform me, Refashion me, Make my work holy For today I will prepare the way for you to pass through the roads of the earth a

Raul (Long is my nickname) your smile is something I will never forget. I gushed with pride when you were in my womb; When I taught you how to walk; Your tiny little footsteps filled my heart with joy. You moved around the ground independently. Going home sometimes messy and dirty, Clothes so smelly, Sweat running down from your forehead. I thought I would be left with frustrations of your carelessness; But pride wrapped me too For you were so vivacious and full of life; With mind so sharp to understand our life. Now you are already grown-up I thought I could hold you to be still my little boy You have matured and I wished to hold you where you left; Handsome young man, still my boy, my dear son All rolled into one You have given me so much of your love; You have passed by and still would give me a hug You offered your life to God while I was on bed, invalid. You have shared your whole being as I have prayed. My little boy has proven to be a man of God. You have remained h

PETER THE ROCK: SIMON, SON OF JOHN, DO YOU LOVE ME? (Jn 21:15-19) We were watching a 12-minute movie clip about PETER, which focuses more on the aspect of Peter’s discouragements, his pain in denying the Lord, going back to fishing, miraculous catch, and his encounter with Jesus. I did not show my tears, but I really shed a few tears. I just find his encounter with the Lord so very touching, when Jesus looked at him and hugged him and still trusted him in spite of his denials. It is truly amazing how the Lord deals us, and He would never ask about our mistakes. As long as He sees that we are heartily sorry for our sins, that is more than enough for Him. His forgiveness is overflowing. 1. Community aspect- I was so touched looking at the rest of the disciples, rejoicing knowing that Jesus is alive again, and Peter, secretly, escaped and hid himself in his room, crying. Memories with Jesus were flashing, and he was there repeatedly saying “I failed the Lord.” Peter is supposed

I would like to share once again part of my contemplation during my retreat this year in Rome. Again, I wrote this very spontaneously, so ideas are a bit scattered. Hope you like it. John 1:35-51 COME AND SEE The letter I received from our vocation director in 1990, as a response to my inquiry to the Comboni Missionaries was the same in the gospel today “Come and See”. It was a way to enter the postulancy. I see that this is also a program of Jesus in this text. He invited them to "come and see", and then to become his disciples. My first impression is that, Jesus is like a Magnet. He attracted people to follow him and to desire for His presence. Jesus had no fixed housing, He was homeless, He was like a nomad. But he had characteristics opposite to the other religious leaders. I feel that this is the rason why He was attractive to people- He was very radical. I also feel the eagerness of John the Baptist's two disciples- this man Jesus is so simple and deep