PAINFUL JOURNEY OF A JOYFUL SOUL- LETTER TO MY PRIEST BROTHER FR. ATILANO TABARANZA

FR. RAUL B. TABARANZA
COMBONI MISSIONARIES
CHIKOWA PARISH
PO BOX 511276
CHIPATA, ZAMBIA



PAINFUL JOURNEY OF A JOYFUL SOUL


November 9th, 2006

Dearest Ati,

Peace and God bless.
I am developing this little essay I made in my scholasticate and turned it into a letter, that you may find it closely related to me, being your younger brother telling you the journey of his soul. I hope that when time comes for my life to turn back to God, you will see how the Lord have winged my soul to sour up in heaven, like an eagle, up in the sky, focus even in the great brightness of the sun.
I am sorry, I forgot the author who wrote that: ‘Our experiences unveil part of God's wisdom. They move us to ask questions and to seek answers about our faith, and the intimacy with the "Other." The Lord is always in disguise- in particular events, issues, memories, trials and successes in life. These may seem hard to understand, but the hidden God, in his silence, presents himself in particular ways, which are sometimes difficult to comprehend.
It must be true my dearest brother, because even you yourself, did not know much of what my soul went through. I have shared with you many parts of my life, and being my older brother, you have seen how I have progressed intellectually, spiritually and materially, then, vocationally. My little soul was too small to compare with yours, having lived the priesthood for quite a long time, to our dearest uncle, Msgr. Artemio Baluma,SHF, who have spent his whole life for holiness, for foundation of his Religious Institute and for the welfare of our relatives. I am nothing, and my soul is ever contented with this understanding. Yet, I feel that my soul has something to offer to our relatives, family and friends, and for the whole world. My littleness is like an ant, crawling on the surface of the earth, ignored and sometimes, stepped upon.
"God keeps himself in hiding. But he is there, concealed in chance happenings and unexpected encounters. It is a good thing to look for him, beneath the externals, behind the appearances. Sometimes, these chance happenings are so illuminating that we cannot help seeing the Lord quite literally." This was the continuation of the author, and it was the struggle of my soul. My dearest brother, when we were still young, you were already at Xavier High School, Mapang, Rizal, Zamboanga del Norte. I was too little to understand, because I could only see you every holiday, as you were staying with our grandmother, Manay Boria. I remember you most, one time, crying because you wanted to come with us to the beach, it was San Juan, and we went to Dapitan City. You were left alone in the house to take care of everything as you were the oldest. I wanted to cry with you, and to stay with you. I think I was six years old at that time. But I was too innocent really of what was happening. But you were so mature my dearest brother, and you accepted what Nanay Babing asked you to do. Many times, you always adhere what our parents have told you, and so your submission and acceptance was something that was illuminating in my heart. I don’t know if you have felt my admiration for a brother, who is willing to do everything, even to us your younger siblings when we had problems in school. Little by little, I felt this loving presence of God in your life, and so I salute you for that.
I imagine during our younger days, I was too small and our brother Rico was just a little baby. Every time you come home for holiday from the seminary, you always carry chocolates (NIPS), with dots of different colors. It went straight to Rico, and he was supposed to distribute them. It was so amazing for me to realize that in fact, you have manifested this great sense of concern to us. I always loved when you were around; we received all your old shirts. That was a great joy! Though we were selling clothes, but we don’t get from the shop of ours, we received joyfully what was not useful to you anymore. I used to enjoy opening your luggages and seeing what was inside it. It was our sister Baning who used to get the good ones. (Ang ako, puro ra gyod tinbuan ninyo- mine were mostly what didn’t fit you anymore.)
What I have started is just and introduction of my encounters with God in its deepest sense and how you have helped me shaped my spirituality. This is a presentation of a pilgrim soul, so poor and sometimes, alone, journeying into the 'unknown-known', from the moment I experienced my understanding of God with our family, our dearest Uncle, Msgr. Artemio Baluma, who was an instrument in this journey, "missionary infatuation" up to the present of real offering, sacrifices and difficulties and joys in the missions. When we were young, I expressed my desire to become a doctor or teacher to help our poor village, but the Lord showed me the other way of life. I have become a doctor and teacher of souls. All what I wanted was a village help, not knowing that with that ‘missionary infatuation’, something was really in store for my poor soul.
I would like to start with my searching for meaning in my childhood and adolescence, until I faced near-death experiences with our mother, which made my spiritual journey meaningful; and when I fell in love with the Lord amidst pains and tribulations. You were too far to realize all of these my dearest brother because you were in the seminary when I was a very young boy, and you were in your far parish when our dearest mother had started series of strokes and heart attacks. For many times, I was a witness of her real suffering, the difficulties of breathing and moments in hospital, when at times, she was just alone crying. Our mother was a saint, and she remained faithful to God in spite of the many physical suffering and difficulties. She was ever faithful to our family and for the welfare of us children. She told us once, while giving a sermon one night of our laziness: “Bahala na kon mabuktot ko ug trabaho, makalmpos lang mo sa inyong pagtuon, mao ra na akong kabilin ninyo kung mamatay na ko.) (I don’t care if I become a hunchback of too much work, just for you to finish your studies. This is my only inheritance for you). That was her favourite line every time we committed something. She doesn’t want us to become idle when we grow old. Then she would start her litany of her youth, with our grandfather objecting of her schooling because she is a woman and she is supposed to stay home for family. She had to go to the sea in the night for fishing and sell what she get for food and school. At times, she would crawl on the ground crying because our grandfather refused her to go to school. What a life of our poor mother.
Realizing that in a special way God called me by name; it created in me a desire of intimacy with the "Guest" of my life, going beyond my own experiences. I started to see the beauty of pains and sufferings and how they have purified intentions of a person. In fact, if our mother had been alive, I should have told her that I suffered more of her pains and agonies in life. She was there lying helpless, completely invalid. The poor mother suffered, as if she was carrying the sins of everybody. I supposed her physical defects were also moment for her of purification, though I know she was not doing any grave sin at all. My openness to God unveiled freedom in my life, to love and to offer myself to the mission. Then I called God my 'Super-friend' and compassionate Counselor. Only if people knew, that during Nanay’s heart attacks, I did all my charismatic prayer in the car, praying and praising God and asking for healing and intercessions. I had such a strong faith in His power.
Being a witness of God's love, I abandoned myself into the hands of the 'Master', like docile clay into the hands of the Potter. I was so helpless! To whom would I turn to? Our holy and dear father was working in Cotabato City, in Iligan city, and he only knew of Nanay’s sufferings when he comes home. Poor father, he must have suffered of the distance from us all, working very hard that we may have a good future. I was feeling all these sufferings by myself, and I followed into a long painful tunnel where complete darkness abounds. There, I kept on communicating and uniting my very self with the Master, knowing my thoughts and senses are guided by the Spirit. Amazingly, there was something in my life moving, I was very submissive to the Lord, I always confronted Him and asked His help. It was only me and Edgar at home, with our little brother Rico by that time. All of you elder ones were already out.
God's goodness surpasses all we know. It is in this context of faith that I present my appreciation of God's answers in my life. I was never abandoned, and I was never helpless after all. I was very assured of help from God, in many little ways and in the generosity of people around. In that period of my blindness, I allowed the Lord to hold me and blindly I followed, certain that in my limitation, I could spark love and invent an illness- an epidemic of love. Indeed, there was an epidemic of love; I was a carrier of that love in the hearts of people. Was I worthy? I asked myself the same question many times, and the Lord said to me, that even in my littleness, there is a meaning, so I never argued with Him again. “Do to me as you will!” This is another favourite line of my from Charles De Foucauld that I adopted as my own expression of abandonment.
Let me continue my dearest brother with accounts and reflections of my journey. If times comes that you feel this is not worthy at all, you don’t have to continue reading. Just take time and feel free. I was a very sensitive and affectionate child, treated so specially, being the youngest in the family then. As you have known, I was almost the youngest so all the attentions were on me, as if I was a toy, borrowed by our aunties and uncles. I was vivacious, inquisitive, and a bit stubborn. It was perhaps in this way that the Lord had called me. I did not grow with a missionary calling in mind, but I dreamt of working with people as a doctor or teacher, as I have told you before. I was very simple as a child. You saw, that I was so content on what you asked me to do, on what you gave me, on what help you offered to me. I never asked more from you. I was just happy on what I got, and up to now, I have this simplicity. I dreamt, but I never remembered sharing with you some of my greatest dreams. Perhaps, it was because of my littleness. You were already a priest and I was a little boy, and my dreams were all like child like. But this world seems to awaken within us dreams and desires that it cannot satisfy. I had many wants to do when I grow old, as if having that ‘messianic’ attitude, to help and to help and nothing of my dreams were for me. They are most for people and to our family members, dreams which are dreams…. People have immense longings, which are never fully satisfied or fulfilled, and yet, I felt that one day, there should be something for me. I was very sure that one day, God will do something for my life. It is true, today, the meaning of our lives is not to be found completely within the boundaries and parameters of this finite world, there is more beyond it, beyond measure and time and space.
When you were in the seminary, I always saw Nanay counting some old coins, which was believed to have mixture of gold and silver. She was selling all these to a passing merchant for your school fees in the seminary. I was too young to understand, but now, I have realized that martyrdom of our parents. Tatay was very Hardworking, and Nanay have kept all what she had, even the most expensive, so that in times of emergency, she had something to sell for our needs. What a loving gesture of a mother! She was keeping always the best, and I have witness how she deprived herself of many things in order that we would have something for the future. She was very good in her self-limitations.
When you were in your elementary years in Ubujan, Antequera, Bohol, I was very little, taken cared by Nanay Nene and Nanay Babing, two women who shaped my life completely. I remember, I was so inquisitive to Inse Iyay, like any normal child, I was hunting answers from my her: "Who gives the food? Where did it come from?" "Who causes the rain, the stars, and moon?" etc. I was always answered that it is God, God and God. Somehow, I shaped this idea of a Providing God, not a magical God. He was something to provide for my little joy. God was formed in my mind and heart, seeing through you and to our uncle, and the dedication of our parents in the church.
My dearest brother, searching for God's presence and for God's practical answer will lead us to fall in love with Him in a quite absolute manner. I was that soul, I questioned and I searched. I was too little, but I retained many wonderful memories in my life, even in times of difficulties, when our business started to collapse and Nanay had series of strokes. We became almost like nothing after the boom of our business. But I grew in deep understanding and wisdom. The secret is that, it is not only in abundance and joy that the spirit breathes, but also in our pains and failures, and when the spirit breathes, we are released from our self-centeredness and enabled to reach others. I never was selfish if I could remember. When I was a child, I used to receive money from my entertainment, and I give the money to our sister Agnes. I was too little, they had to lift me on a small chair, then I sang and danced and recited poems, then they gave me money.
Truly my dearest one, the Lord is a dreamer and He dreamt of love and happiness and joys for each of us, and through us, to love others. Sorry, I forgot this author again, as my paper was done six years ago. He said that "Man is a creature whose nature it is always to seek that which is beyond his nature. He is a creature made for self-transcendence. His heart is restless, till it can find its rest in God." I was a restless soul if you don’t know; I was always on the move, searching for something. I never content God with things I have done, but sometimes, I stormed Him with prayers and intentions, and for peoples’ glory. The Lord must have been tired hearing me all the time, so many times, He was answering on my persistence. I didn’t only storm him; I said hurricanes of prayers and pleadings.
Questioning and searching and persistent prayers for His love makes a room for God to inhabit in our hearts; as if He could not say more words. Truly my dearest brother, we were blessed, our family itself is so blessed with abounding graces, flowing freely. We may have experienced God's awe and majesty, yet there is also a test within the reach of everybody. There might be a revolution in the heart, but the love of the Lord knows how to enter and penetrate. Many times, the Lord have tested us so much, especially the series of sickness and the loss of our business, the five college students, the bills etc. God was purging us, but also demanding more. He does not demand big things, but he wants us to allow him to use our hearts in spite of our fragilities. He being the "unlimited" knows how to enter into the world of our limitations. We became so vulnerable and the only way was to surrender and to allow Him to become the Lord of our family.
At this point my dearest brother, I would like to share with you the deepest thoughts of my hearts, when I gained consciousness of God’s call. I listened and listened, until I got tired and feel asleep. I woke up and again, God called me by my name. It was on this occasion that I talked with the Lord affairs of my life in innumerable details. I landed a very promising job. It was a career that one dreamt to have. I became a Traveling Teller in one of our leading banks in the Philippines. It was a very demanding job. I got hooked on it. I worked under pressure, but the financial compensations were pleasurable. But almost after five years of working, The Lord had called me again. "What do you want me to do for you?" was my answer. If we are going to open our hearts to others, there is one quality we shall have to acquire and this may be more difficult than we think. We shall have to learn to listen properly. I listened very well and became attentive of God’s call, even in the trees and movements of people and nature. My heart grew ears that I was able to hear many things that I ignored in the past. In my busy life as a banker, I grew in my spirituality, visiting the Blessed Sacrament everyday, morning and afternoon, passing to that huge cathedral in Ozamiz City to be alone for a time and to ponder. God spoke to my soul in strange ways, because the truth is that, majority of conversations between human beings are interrupted monologues, cutting across each other. We always do the talking and we never listened. We always do the asking and we never give.
When God calls, he will call us by name. It was the same experience that blind Bartimaeus had. For me, his primary desire was not for sight but the attention of Jesus, whose name was unstoppable and whose name rang in every ear. Jesus answers to our simple desires. He may not answer instantly, but in our silence, he wants us to die- of our senses, prejudices, desires, comfort, pleasures of materials wants and impulses. I had a good and decent job, money oriented, and yet, deep inside me, I was longing for something, and God called me “Raul, get out from there for I want to meet you!” It was an imperative, and order but accompanied with compassion and asking favours. I knew then that He wants me to do something in His favor. My name was very important in His mine, because this little brother of yours, the unworthy Raul, will soon become a missionary Raul, who will do the sacrifices joyfully for the salvation of souls.
My dearest brother, listening should make us realize that God's wants are unstoppable. We have to be aware that events are God's plans. Knowing that Jesus called us should create in us a desire to call him more, asking for intimacy. It is at this point that one engages a concrete transcendence, going beyond what he hears in his own reflection. It is this openness that will unveil freedom before us, where revelations of an inner experience of God happen. But we have to be aware too, that at times, the Lord prefers to remain silent, never showing any form of answers. He is not deaf, but He could pretend to be deaf so that we may go back to our senses that He is there, listening even to the dullest of our stories in life. We talk and listen, and listening opens up in free love for this message of the word or of the silence of God.
Then, I realized after that banking is not my life. It was then that I felt strongly God telling me to surrender my life and give back to him everything, even the littleness that I own. There must be something more in my life to come, and I did not have any single idea what. I read the World Mission magazine by accident, so my way to a missionary life became a process of surrender, a call beyond- a call to self-abandonment. I listened more gently and realized soon that listening gives us the miracle of new life. It pushes us to work. What is needed is our cooperation. The Lord wants us to personally cast our desires and dreams to him. He wants us to throw our nets into the ocean of his divine reality.
My dearest Ati, to be with God is not easy after all. The more you desire for holiness, the more you are tested, and sometimes, they are unbearable. When I responded to become a missionary, you met a vehicular accident, which necessitated a major operation in your brain. Let me remind you many crazy things while you were still recovering at Cebu Doctor’s Hospital. You never recognized me, so I had to wear always the doctor’s suit so that you will not get angry or get impatient. I had to pretend at times a doctor, a spy (for you always wanted to get out and you did not want anybody to support you or to watch over you). Many times, you get angry because I had to hide myself on pillars and corridors to watch of your going out. We had to use flash cards to keep you reoriented because your mind was disoriented. You remembered only Edgar, Rico and Uncle Temio. Then you asked for fish for a pillow, or soap for a mirror. It was a complete pain but also funny, and what Tatay could do was to keep on crying, especially when you had to undergo painful injections. I stopped Tatay from crying one time but he said to me in response: “Moingon lang ka ani kay dili man ka amahan, pero ako, gibati nako and sakit sa imong magulang!” (You just said things like this for me to stop crying because you are never a father, but for me, I am feeling in depth the pain of your brother!”. It was such a blow to my heart and mind that I kept silent and reflected over our father’s words. True enough, you are so sweet in the heart of our father. He loves us dearly because we also came from his flesh, and he has struggled a lot for our future and becoming what we are now.
Three months later, our mother got a stroke, which made her half paralyzed. I questioned the Lord "why?" It seems like we were tested with series of tribulations. I thought about it even when I was young, and came to understand that I am very special in his eyes, for in spite of the pains, I had a deeper peace in my heart. I understood that what happened to our family were trials on my life. It was unbearable, but my prayer kept me going. My soul was ever gifted with joys in surrending all my emotions. The Lord had equipped my soul with suc a strength and it was amazing how I faced all of my pains.
There were always moments of dryness in our lives, but the Lord knows when to give his power. He revealed his power, retained our enthusiasm and strength in His own time. What was amazing was that we were not actually abandoned. Many people showed their love and support and I felt the help and providence flowing freely from my own hands. It is so surprising how we survived. There must be an inner strength to face trials in life. This is the strength of a Friend. Nobody can give us such a power, not even our family, whom we have shared a deeper part of our lives. He was that Friend, whom I have called my Super-Friend, who stood at my side when I was in great need. "Friendship first of all must be nourished in an atmosphere of spiritual authenticity. It must be defined in the light of true love. Our pains and joys, our feelings of grief and satisfaction take a deeper meaning in our friendship with God, to whom we pour out our emotions. I am always very emotional as you knew me. But they all came out in my formative years in the seminary. It is my emotion that keeps me free and peaceful in the end.
Friendship with God offers us the space in which our hearts can be reached and brought back to light. The Lord is a 'Super friend' and it is always his own initiative to reach us, even in moments that we feel devoured by pains and tribulations. I would like to attribute to God the definition of Charles Magsam about the true friendship: "A true friend is a compassionate counselor to whom one can go with perfect confidence to seek advice and help in solving problems. A friend speaks with all frankness, in correcting, encouraging and advising." I was so young and frail, so vulnerable to face all the problems, yet, inside me, I was strengthened by something, beyond description.
Here, I want to make it clear to you that it was the fraternal intimacy in relationship with God that worked wonders in my life. We survive even in distressed condition. We have actually surmounted the trials and strengthened by our own trials in life. Our family was almost like in series of pains. Yet, we even grew into becoming men and women for others, for what God has given radiated in the hearts and minds of our friends and neighbours. We may be limited physically, but in a special union in our prayers, we are connected. Many people have looked at us truly blessed and strong, then producing good harvest in the vineyard. My dearest brother, perhaps, a few of these blessings is you, and me, who have answered a call, sometimes misunderstood by people as we have left our family for a caused not traveled by everybody. We have become ‘fools for Christ’, answering God for something painful to comprehend.
If you could remember, I went to your parish in Pinan, Zamboanga del Norte with a bandage on my mouth. I fell down and collapsed at the end of my retreat at the Columban Fathers in Ozamiz City, and told you that something was happening in my life. That day, when I gained back consciousness, I was full of blood, as if mocked by a heavy weight boxing champion. I collapsed in the toilet and woke up with my face on the bowl, covered with blood. My lower lip was broken and my tooth was broken too. When you saw me, you were shocked, but I shared you about the result of my retreat. You told me: “Maybe, God is calling you for something.” You did not know that on that day of great collapse, I made my decision to become a Comboni Missionary, whom I came to know few years before. I was very bold right after my retreat to call them in Manila telling them that I am ready now to enter, if given the chance.
"Don't be afraid. Start getting built. The Lord is with you." These are inspiring words that I received in my prayer. My Directed Retreat, eight days of complete silence and prayer was a struggle to talk and to open myself in prayer. Confrontation was very painful and I took the courage in facing all the issues in my life. You don’t know up to now my dearest brother how I suffered. God does not make a joke, for He made me realize of the consequences, but also the beauty behind the life that He is choosing for me. It was not my choice, it was His choice and He just presented it to my poor soul, at that time, very disturbed of what to do. The broken pieces of my life were there laid before me, as if I was seeing a mirror of me, or what we modernly call, a video of my life and the struggles, the joys, the mistakes and sins that I have committed. Tears came flowing like a river. They were tears of sadness and of joy and of pains above all, for the possible separation with you my dearest family. Yet, it was very consoling to know that we are completely cared for, like a precious gem in the hands of the Lord. My soul was promised for a care. God did not promised abundance materially, but possible sorrows and tribulations, and also the graces received on the way.
A saying says: "God write straight in our crooked ways." He knows what is his plan for us- to bring us prosperity, the brightness of the future we hoped for. He was not joking. When He presented to my soul His plans for my life, I was very scared, and it left me confused what to do. Who am I first of all? I am nothing, I was nothing! What God wants of my soul? But He is such a mysterious planner. He has set everything, the table, the guests and the whole banquet. He is such a noble architect. He knows how to design a home- of generosity, of love and of service. There is no way to escape when God makes the plan. God is a timed bomb! He explodes with so much love and understanding, with kindness and generosity. I questioned Him but He exploded with wisdom, that I openly accepted the offer for missionary life, no matter what it costs. I would like to share with you a prayer which was formed in my heart as I confronted the Lord the journey of my soul. It was a moment of meditation but also of deeper wisdom. Here, I put the prayer in a footnote that you may refer it easily.
It was on that encounter that I felt a kind of love had blossomed- to be given not only to one, but also to many, so that love may spread in his ways. I was very hesitant to tell to our dearest sickly mother what was going on in my life. I know she would understand me, having you a priest, our uncle, her beloved brother, a priest. But me? To become a missionary! It would be difficult, plus the fact, that I was also supporting them in my little way some financial help. My soul struggled and wrestled with the Lord, but I was such a loser, for I always obey. When one experiences the depths of God’s love, he learns to abandon himself and allow God to work in his life. An author called Magsam says: "Our first vocation is to be our distinctive selves…This self whom we call our own is a gift from God; it is also an invitation to become fully what we are, to realize our true selves in all its richness and depth." Sorry, I forgot also the title of his book. You see, I lost the file, and I am also getting old.
We hope, we dream and we aspire. It was through the realization of the vocation to love and serve that I offered myself to the mission, even at the expense of my career, with hope and faith that the Lord will help me and breathe for our family. My dearest brother, you just don’t know how painful it was to see our sickly and paralyzed mother crying in front of my room at 4:00AM, while I was packing my things. As if my heart was pierced with a lance when I left the house and there was mother, kissing me goodbye, crying, as if losing her precious son. I cried silently and let my heart be broken into pieces, without even letting dad see of my tears while he was driving the car. If only I had the magic of allowing you to use my eyes so that you can see the pains in my heart, you would also cry with me. I allowed mother to caress my soul with her tears of pain, as I myself, struggled to wipe away the tears of my eyes. I wanted her to see that I am fine, happy of my decision and obedient to the God who called me. Our mother was very physical; she wanted her son’s presence. But I was seeing the event on the spiritual sphere, I am not of my mother physically anymore, even my spirit is for God’s.
God's appointed hour had sounded at last! I joined the formation for a missionary life. I left my job, you, my family and plunged into the great uncertainty of my future. I said uncertainty because I practically don’t know what is going to happen with my life. Missionary life is beyond telling, we don’t know what is ahead. Death is always near, and it remains a challenge to many. Also, there was nothing certain where we have to work. Our life is in constant risking.
Four months after I entered, our father met and accident, which broke his right clavicle. Can you still picture out that accident? I was just amazed when I went home on my first holiday seeing dad in bandage all over, especially the head and the back and shoulder. How did I feel that way? Guilty for having no time to take care of him. But I understood very well that things are on God’s business, and what I have to do is just to continue abandoning into His hands.
Three months after, our mother got a stroke again, which made her completely paralyzed- bedridden and incapable. I was in the seminary when I heard of that big event. I was confronted by my superior if I want to leave or go home, but I accepted humbly Our Lady Wisdom, ‘she will be taken cared by my family and the Lord will breathe on her. Imagine two sickly parents! Pains and tribulations almost devoured my fragile soul. Yet God was so determined with his plans. He never gave me up: “You are mine and I will do every thing for you!” As if the words of the Lord in my prayer were so intense that resisting means separation of our souls. So, I never gave up, even my soul was almost like rotten of pain inside. I was bleeding emotionally and physically, so that, almost everyday, in the middle of the night, when my brothers were asleep, I had to crawl down to the chapel and poured out all my tears as much as I could. If only they knew of my pains. But what they saw in me were always my cheerful self every morning. I remained vivacious and a happy soul. I gained the title “Happy Man.”
When you are broken emotionally and physically, He will allow you to follow Him in a long and painful tunnel. And it was precisely how I was treated. I was in a dark dungeon, and for many days, so dark that rays of light were impossible. Then I gained consciousness and offered back my life again, realizing that “God will use your weakness as your strength.” God has his own way of injecting in us “crazy faith", so that even if we are blind, he will allow us to see the fullness of light. He wants us to experience his mystery in the deepest sense. God then communicated with my soul, full of passion and understanding to my poor soul, bent down to the ground in pain, as if an old woman in travail, strength are losing and heart is breaking. I was very fragile deep inside me.
Do you feel my dearest brother that God communicates a need to destroy hindrances the world will present? I don’t belong to anybody anymore, and I was certain that mother was okay. She was my luggage; I carried her all through out. God wants us to believe that nothing is impossible even if the going gets too rough, for we will be driven by the powerful wind of God's breath. Often, I wrote to my friends that ‘He will breathe on her, and in fact, He did! I received great that humble submission and at the same time, patience to do my own things in little ways, and for the rest, He will do them without my interference.
There is more in the process of surrender- more beyond self-abandonment. It is in this way that we will gain the confidence to jump into the open sea and be lost with God, bringing people in our hearts. As I have said to a Redemptorist Father during my pastoral experience: "I see myself now in the middle of the ocean, tossed by storms. But I have to keep rowing, getting strength from SOMEONE who sent me here, for in the middle of the ocean, he will stand for me and say: "Be calmed and know that I am God." These were the words that made me realize that even in the most painful situations, even in the face of death; He will never abandon a soul who keeps his whole trust in His hands. I found out that I was strengthened more and more. It is unbelievable, but I plunged myself freely into the unknown universe. I got lost and I have found myself completely in a strange atmosphere.
"Naked I came from my mother's womb. Naked I shall return again. Yahweh gave. Yahweh has taken back. Blessed be the name of Yahweh” This was the cry of my heart when I heard the events in our family. The situation troubled me so much. But I was so determined and God was so determined too. The cry of Job was an inspiration, for pains did not waver my trust in God. As if I was at the side of Job, and he never said anything, but just looked at me gently, with confidence in his eyes. Revealed to me were the connections of my little sufferings and the great story of suffering in Jesus. There was a certain strength that up to this time awed me. Now, that I am a priest, I still marvel on the inner strength and dedication I got from the experience. I was almost like incorporated into the embrace of the Lord so that I was feeling very much united with Him.
My dearest brother, this aspect I simply want to call 'unity', in recognition of the fact that our pain is part of the greater pain of Jesus. Again, I would like to remind you, that perhaps, in our family, I am the most emotive, very sensitive and emotional. But also, deep inside me, I was always looking for wholeness, with my inquisitive mind and heart, the Lord did not spare my soul. I felt very much in union with Him. This is a good occasion to explore God's works in our lives, and I did explore His works in my life. For instance, when I was in a pastoral works with the Aetas in Pampanga, I dreamt of our mother’s death often, and I tried to dwell with God in my prayer. Then He let me understood everything again, that if our dearest mother had to suffer, that is also for me to get stronger, for even though she is suffering, she had become my greatest part in my mission, as she is doing the contemplation for me. Consoled by this attitude, I never stopped hoping, I was more hopeful and encouraged. Jesus was tortured to death, but he retained his fidelity to the Father: "The narrator, rather, put into his (Job) mouth the quite simple, illuminating logic of faith, in which he was unassailably secure."
In unity, we walk in the presence of the Lord, moving forward, with thoughts and senses guided by his power. I was very positive and my formator always acknowledge my self-surrender and abandonment. I moved spiritually too, as I if consolations were always at my favor. Yet, the gift of intimacy should also be expressed transparently to people and among members in the community. The special bond with the Master is an imperative for communal relationship, in growing intimacy with Christ, through meeting him with people and especially, the suffering God's poor. I was always myself, happy and neat and cheerful. I abandoned myself and expressed myself freely. This experience was very much affirmed by Allchin in his interpretation of Richard Hooker's writing: "What is involved for man as he follows his way into participation in the life of God is a constant growth into the three theological virtues of faith, hope and love, a growth which leads us slowly from this world of time into the great world which lasts for ever." Again, I am so sorry, I lost my material, but I have to acknowledge the author. Isn’t it beautiful! The greatest of these virtue is love, and I was always flooded with that love. In union with the Lord, I became spiritually gripped as I moved into His centre- to hear and to see his mighty works, radiating beyond compare. I was illuminating with joy, and I often received notes and comments, that my cheerfulness always radiates to people I met. What a blessing! I walked happily on the road with confidence, and my every step was a moment of surrender and abandonment, especially for the sake of our sickly parents. My luggages were too heavy, but I was suffering joyfully inside my heart.
God's goodness surpasses all we know. There is a beautiful term (brighter darkness) that really caught my attention in one of our discussions when I was just first year in my Theology in London, Missionary Institute of London, and I want to borrow it in order to express an encounter with God. When we approach God, we have to bow down. We speak with God not with our human language, but in matter of transcendence, to talk with God who is even better.
This is a period of our blindness, where we learn to speak with God personally on events or circumstances of any nature, and we know that something is meant for us. This is an occasion to express our religious awe and adoration of God's total mercy, believing that he will stretch out his hand into the darkness, and blindly we follow. I was completely blinded by the Lord in many ways, helpless and I had no way to run to, or anybody whom I could turn to express my feelings and emotions, especially my personal struggles in life. We just have to go, not knowing even the face of God. Fear not, see that only you be now 'led by the spirit of God'; led not going before, not holding back, not standing still, but led. It is the very part of faith; to go forth as Abraham went, not knowing whither he went. I was the human Abraham, the little Benjamin, the young and confused Jeremiah and many other prophets called who felt they don’t have the strength and power to move in the missions God has entrusted to them. I was nobody and I struggled.
Faith moves through dark knowledge. It does not matter how we live our lives. Often, we lift up our hands, clasped in prayer. Sometimes, we feel no presence and refusal from the Other is evident, but we move on. We continue saying the prayer of deep peace and blessedness, of the world, of people and within ourselves. We want this one to become an epidemic of love to the ends of the earth. My dearest brother, God was very silent in many of my prayers, as if I was completely abandoned and my soul was just in the corner all the time, crying and weeping for help, begging. It was the darkest moments in my life and the tunnel became so long for me to travel. Everything was complete darkness and I was already losing strength and determination. Yet inside me, a voice was always in accompaniment, telling me to move and get started every time I fall down on my knees. My inner strength was still very determined, but that was hidden from me for a moment, kept in the interior part of my heart.
My dearest brother, for a long time I have followed this life. I remember of an exposure when I was about to enter the novitiate, to work as a janitor in a hospital, throwing all rubbish, cleaning operating rooms and wards. Name all the sickness at Far Eastern Hospital. It was a moment of test and I thought I don’t have the vocation. When my former officemates in the bank learnt of my exposure, they did not believe that I would do it. It was perhaps a very dirty job, but it was also an experience to feel the lives of the marginalized. I experienced more and more the presence of God among the poor, patients and the many dying people. I have witness treatment of ordinary people from staff and other rich people in the society. Since they did not know that I was a seminarian, I had more of the experience because I was free to move around, or else I would be given a special attention. I could imagine those doctors and nurses who were demanding me to clean all their rooms, the hallways and corridors. Many people have mistaken me as a doctor even if I was wearing the uniform of the janitors because of my complexion and bearing. Many of the janitors could not believe me, because I was also speaking in a bit intellectual manner, which I never intended to do. I was struggling, especially for the food and long travels everyday, then exposed to such a demanding and risky job.
After two years, I had the most challenging part of my missionary life. I was sent to work with the leper. It was so moving to see people completely deformed, burnt skinned and rough surface and lion-formed faces as effects of the medicine. I stayed in the hospital for almost three months, with a small room (sacristy) at the back of the chapel. I breathed the same air with them, shared their food and had prayer with them everyday. That was the moment that I really felt God was using not only my hands, but also my heart and intellect. Many of my groups from other congregations left, but I enjoyed a certain degree of compassion and love for the lepers, even the most deformed, smelly and the most abandoned by their families. I remember Tatay Maning, a blind leper who just came knocking in my room in the night for a chat. He was guided by Poloy, another leper but on a wheel chair as a result of stroke, and he was more in need of help. With Tatay Maning was another blind leper, so that the three would always come for a chat in my small area.
I used to wake up at 5:00AM and do my rounds of giving the Holy Eucharist. At my right hand was the bell to warn them of my coming. On my left hand were the books, prayer guides while at the same time, embracing the Holy Host for communion. It was such a joy to wake up at 4:00AM, taking shower so early, prepare myself and my white vestment and started my round in the whole area. Lepers are the most abandoned in the society, feared and rejected by people. But it was with the lepers that I learned the act of giving myself to the Lord. I dedicated much of my time for visitation to different wards, giving spiritual help and direction and writing to family members assuring them that love and healing are going on inside the leprosarium. It was a way of life that inspired me to give my strength in the journey. My gift of writing helped a lot because I was able to explain to the families the situation of their sons/daughters and the importance of their visits. At times, it resulted to an emotional reconciliation and acceptance.
My dearest brother, my Novitiate Formation in Laguna was perhaps the most memorable of all my formation, two years of real silence and prayers and pastoral works. My spirituality blossomed and I have gained deeper insights of my life. But it was in that desert period that I thought I am not meant to become a Comboni Missionary, but instead, to be an unknown monk somewhere. I developed that sense of silence and isolation that I faced the greatest crises in my missionary life- to leave the missions for seclusion. Day and night, I was all in tears, and I remember I wrote a letter to you about this and to our uncle. I was having that Mother Teresa reflection- a call within a call, to become a contemplative. I spoke the matter to our Vocation Director, Fr. Paul O’Donnel, but he told me that the Pope, a diocesan priest himself, was the greatest contemplative in the world. You don’t have to leave the mission in order to become a contemplative. At first, I was very afraid to share the feeling to my Novice Master, Fr. John Taneburgo, until I gained the strength. He told me that he was so impressed of the immense growth of my spirituality, but ‘your attitude is not of a contemplative. You are very lively, extrovert and free. I am sure the Lord is calling you to become a missionary.” I reflected on his thoughts, then to realized in the end that the call of God for me was ‘to have a contemplative heart but hands of a missionary.’ Isn’t it a beautiful combination? As if I acquired the contemplative Mary and the active Martha.
Very meaningful in my journey dearest brother was the formation of my Seraphic Family in my spirituality. I enjoyed tremendous time reading lives of saints and holy and venerable men and women who dedicated their whole lives for God. Then, on March 20th, 1999, it formed into my prayers the lives of the saints, and was born my Seraphic Family and Friends. I had Mother Teresa as my Seraphic Mother and Daniel Comboni as my Seraphic Father. Then I secretely offered myself, only with the presence of my Seraphic Family and Friends as an act of Oblation, and baptized my soul before them as Joseph Charles of the Crucified Christ. I love St. Joseph very much and I always turn to him. Charles de Foucauld is one of my favourite martyrs. This is the prayer I professed silently before the Holy Saints and Angles, as I put them in my footnote. I learned to value the real meaning of sacrifices, oblation, suffering, contentment, giving and letting go, surrender and abandonment. I was always feeling the protection of my Seraphic Family, even in times when I thought I am not worthy at all. My dearest brother, my Seraphic Family helped me a lot in my life of poverty and obedience. I also developed a strong trust to our Blessed Mother. My Novice Master gave me an icon picture of Our Lady of the Whole World. I enjoyed a lot gazing at it, and I meditated at the picture many times until a prayer was formed in my heart. I would like to share this prayer to you, as it helped me see my little journey. It was the eve of New Year, when I was alone in the chapel, waiting for the midnight mass.
When I did my First Profession of Vows, you were there so with dad, Rico and our dearest uncle Msgr. Baluma. I was first of all greeted with a strong earthquake before the start of the ceremony. People did not give any notice of the earthquake, but I reflected upon it during the moment of celebration and I was pretty sure it was God’s sign that heaven was rejoicing for me, saints and angels were rejoicing of my offering and nature showed its happiness, so that it shook the earth’s foundation in glory. On the ceremony itself, I was trembling and my heart was flowing with joy but also bleeding as I was reading my formula of the Vows in front of all the priests, you and our uncle. I was very tensed and I controlled my feeling so as not to shed tears, but exudes joy and happiness. When I looked back, there was dad crying and crying. I don’t know if he had understood my life and the formula, but I was sure his tears was of joy and gladness, hearing and seeing his son, pronouncing in public the Evangelical counsels, professing to live in simplicity of his spirit. Our dear father was first of all, emotional of the situation, with tears so precious, but I did not want to be contaminated with his tears, for many people were on me, I was the centre of attention.
Sadly, inside my heart, I was crying for somebody else, our dearest mother who at that time was already completely invalid. It was her wish to see me, even just my profession, or to see me being ordained. She would have witnessed the soul of her son, soaring up high. But on the other side, she was herself winged for holiness, able to communicate me with feelings. I am convinced up to now, that really, my navel was very much connected to our mother even when she died. I always know where she is at my side or some premonition that she is around me. First of all, she just flashed in my mind, then followed by my tears with memories. Then, I could tell that she is around at my side. What a heavy cross! Another reflection of the cross that I made helped me to understand deeply my missionary life. I was a young Jeremiah, but God’s word were fed into my heart, and wisdom flowed out like rivers of graces. This I would like to be presented as a footnote.
When I started doing my Theology, it was another struggle of my soul. I thought that London was not my place. My community was very beautiful, and yet there was something that my soul was longing. I had to adjust with the new set up also, and specially the freedom in the formation. People were always out and most of the time back on their own in the middle of the night, not knowing, in the end, I was also one of them. With friends, I started going out. But I have never abused my freedom, I was always sensitive to my life and the freedom granted to us. Many times, some of the brothers are home with beer in their stomach. I admit, I was addicted more on films, so I went out with some friends for films, or visit some other Filipinos for food.
With the international set up and the different attitudes and personalities, I tried to see myself where I could situate freely. My soul have discovered many things, some are unpleasant, some are good. I realized, that with the richness of the country, it is very easy for any of us students to find refuge, especially with friends around. I was struggling in many things, but people did not see my inner bleeding at all. They always saw me happy and cheerful. I was in fact wearing masks. I was very good in hiding my pains and sufferings. I was always the ‘happy man’, and that was my nickname in the scholasticate. I was the happy person they have ever met, full of life and fun. Since I was creative, I developed my skills in arts and abstract things, and my room was like a museum. People always come to see my room for its colors and many things on the wall. This letter footnote will tell you how I reflected all these events in my life. But my cheerfulness and vivacity always gain friendship and intimacy with people. I have that gift and I am so grateful to God. I easily adapted with the new environment. Sadly, I was just on my adjustment stage when something happened. I came from my holiday to visit our cousin Nena Sims in Sheffield and to Rev. Alan Morris. I opened the internet only to get shocked of the news about the death of our dear mother. She died on Christmas day! What a Christmas gift from the Lord! It was something, that aside that it was my first Christmas in England; it was also my first time to be away from our country! Imagine the pains of my soul! I felt I was floating when I received the news, I went straight to the chapel and there I poured out my emotion. But I cried loudly in my room to release the feeling. I was like a crazy individual; I could see the face of our mother on the wall, on the floor. Wherever I turned my eyes, it was our mother’s face that was printed. I was having broken words while I was sharing, but also deep sense of gratitude, not because our mother died, but because at last, she has come to the point of resting completely after that long suffering on bed. It must be very hard for her. But I admire mother because she was very peaceful and she accepted her situation openly, with joy and serenity. She was the most peaceful of the sick person I have ever met. In fact, she became more humble, beautiful because she was resting. Her soul was one of the purest also, so loving and sweet. She was always asking for a kiss every time I am home. Sad to say, I never had the chance of taking care of her because I was already working when she started to get ill, and I was in the seminary when she had series of strokes. Maybe, it is better if I will make her a footnote of the sharing I gave to the community as I was asked by my formator to share my reflection of our mother’s death.
I went on with life like any normal student in England, and I was famous in school because of friendship. Really, God has prepared me many tings, people and events in order to see clearly my destination. I was the in charge of Arts in the school since I was first up to fourth year in Theology, something I did not recognize in the past for I don’t think I have the talent after all. I am not really a good artist. I was appointed secretary too in the student council and I did it for two years. But above all, friends were flowing, but I have never abused friendship, in terms of asking anything. Many of my classmates have left the formation and their congregation because they have fallen in love with England, and they did not want to be tied up with the formation. Others have fallen in love with other women classmates and friends of the missions.
On that same Christmas, before I came to know the death of our mother, I was preparing a Christmas card for my friends, and I was never attracted to the commercial cards in the market. I prayed a lot with this little idea of making my own. Suddenly, I had that kind of vision, as if I was seeing the Blessed Mother, St. Joseph and the baby Jesus in my fantasy prayer, alive and enjoying the normality of life in the village. I observed them carefully until the picture started fading. I wrote the scene, as if I was writing for a cinema, and it formed to be my Christmas message for my few friends, who were able to understand my mind. This I also want to share with you in a footnote.
One time, we went for a retreat in preparation for the renewal of the vows. It was our holiday. Many thoughts came into my mind and I just emptied myself. I was recollecting of the many trials that I went through and my family went through also, especially of the series of deaths from my mother to our relatives, uncles and cousins. There I was, absorbing all the pains. It was really a time for crosses, and I was feeling that they were heavy. My favorite place during the retreat was to hide myself at the corner of the lectern where nobody could see me. There I was, like a little child crying over of the many pains, but also savoring all the crosses. There was an image in my prayer where I saw Jesus on the cross, with His blood dropping on the ground. I collected all the drops of blood and cherished every moment of the Most Precious Blood of Christ. Amazingly, in the evening, I was asked by the Retreat Master to be the in-charge of adoration. I did not know what to do. I just took the big cross hanging on the wall, laid a cloth on the floor, put a pillow and put a lot of candles around the cross. Then we had the adoration of the Holy Cross after my short reflection. This footnote is the reflection I have made in honor of the Holy Cross of the Lord.
Believe it or not, I was just on the healing stage of the death of our mother, I just received a sudden news the following year that our Uncle Temio had a stroke in the city and he was rushed to the hospital, then to Cebu City, where he died the following day. It was so shocking for me. Two of my dearest persons! In as much as I cried and cried for his death, my soul was also rejoicing for their going back to the Father. Now, they have enjoyed their lot, heaven is really worth for their souls because they have been very dedicated in their lives on earth.
The death of Manong Temio was a big blow, because I wanted him to see my ordination, to share with him the journey of his nephew, who has endured all the struggles in life. I used to share with him my dreams when I was a seminarian and he used to encouraged me a lot, especially for furthers studies. Here is another footnote letter that I wrote to him while I was a student. I kept it, rereading at times when I miss him dearly. He was a goal oriented person and he always reached his goal according to his determination. Many times, he invited me to join with him in his Institute, but truly, my soul was and is always happy with my congregation. I am very happy as a Comboni Missionary. He understood me, and in fact, encouraged me to move on. He has his own spirituality, you have your diocese to take care and I have my future mission to face. We serve God in three different ways, but for the same goal. God is merciful; He has taken them to live in holiness in heaven. We will do where the Holy Spirit breathes. Our destination is heaven and our mission is to save souls. We will do our share. I would like to make another footnote of this issue, as I made this long letter for the funeral. The letter relieved me from pains and somehow healed my soul from distress. Death is really a sting, You don’t know it would happen, when and how. I reflected about it many times and thought that it must be beautiful after the next world. I wrote what I thought about it and it turned out to be a prayer for me, prayer for a happy death. Again, see this footnote. Had you known my dear brother of leaving Philippines, you would have understood me deeply. But I feel I have written so long. I don’t know anymore what I am saying here.
Then I applied for Perpetual Vows, for a life vowed to Poverty, Chastity and Obedience forever. Forever! Imagine! You were there with our Father and Rico, straight from the Philippines to England. You witnessed once again after my first vows. I was facing with you once again, trembling as I recited my formula and application. As always, our father cried with joy. Days before the Perpetual Profession, I was asked by my formator to share something on my understanding of chastity. You were there when I shared it before the community. You dad and Rico have just arrived to attend my Perpetual Vows and Ordination to Diaconate. Dad was there listening of my sharing, and he was moved, and cried after. This is the footnote of that sharing. It was unbelievable, especially for you to be there.
Let me just go back to some points that I have shared, and I would like to high light some of the significant words here. Listening to our unexpected encounters and hidden experiences with God in the events of our lives will lead us to a deeper union with him. I believe that a miracle of new life will be experienced and fraternal intimacy will be developed. This transformation allows us to confront ourselves, walk into his presence and to walk among people in the journey, with an atmosphere of great love, peace and sharing.
My dearest brother, perhaps, I am very privileged in this aspect, for my soul has understood the movements of my life, even in those difficult moments. I certainly would not make it without this deep joy and surrender implanted in my heart by the Father.
I see the need of a deeper friendship with God. Often, we run away when we are tested. But God, in his mercy and compassion, reminds us of a journey, a vocation to be lived. It is not surprising to ask: How can that be? We have to surrender. Then, we can truly say: 'Let it be done to me as you will.'


Keep all my love and affection,
Your unworthy brother, the little soul,

Lolong

RAUL B. TABARANZA, MCCJ (Comboni Missionary)