I JOURNEY WITH THEM- HIDDEN THOUGHTS
I JOURNEY WITH THEM
I am writing these messages out of my mind, perhaps, in many moments when I was feeling so lonely, down and arid spiritually. Those are moments when after bouncing back, I realized that a lot of things are really moving deep within me. There were moments in my journey when I feel I was walking under a deep and dark tunnel, my soul crying for help and longing for companionship and affection, but no one heard. Those were moments, alone in the dark, I cried out to my full voice, crying at the corner, sitting and embracing my legs, as if an abandoned child.
I am using the title ‘I Journey With Them’ because I feel that I journey in the past with people who have been treading all walks of life in real suffering, emotionally and spiritually, and nobody understood them. In my case, I felt that I journey, nobody have seen what is going on inside me, even the tears of pains and sufferings. They have become precious moments, jewels in my missionary journey.
CONTEMPLATION
I have written many times that my relationship with God is more on the matter of my heart. I am always a very vulnerable person, easy to get hurt and offended, yet, I keep these feelings within me. Nobody would notice of my sadness or the pain, because I voice out only when I am in silence. My silence is my remedy, it is my medicine. It is in silence that I feel very much understood and that my soul is able to be who I am, even if the wound is deep and painful. I pray many times with images and emptying of myself. It is in images that I feel I am understood best. When I see a little object, a little insect or anything so little, which is almost invisible in the eyes of man, I feel attracted right away. My soul seems to understand that littleness is somehow a gift when it is used in the right perspective.
For many times, I have questioned God about my destination. At times, I feel that to be a missionary is not enough, so I always have this crisis of life of silence and contemplation. Yet, I also feel inclined to believe that God has a purpose of my life now. I wished many times that God would understand and tell me answers right away, that He would show Himself and tell myself of my ambitions and dreams. But he doesn’t, He seem very silent when I cry and complained, when my soul is in pain, He seems to quiet Himself and leave me in seclusion. Yet, I never waver in my prayer, at least in the house, with the pattern of prayer, and my habit, I spend moments of silence before the community prayer.
God is tricky, and my soul is always a victim for this. He makes many things at times difficult for me, like for example with people, their attitudes and pride and their dealings. God loves to prick my soul with little needles, so that I don’t only feel the itchiness, but little and continuous pains. How many times did He allow me to face the pain by myself? Many, when my mother was so sickly and dying, when she became my luggage, when I left my work, when I didn’t go well with other seminarians and argue with my formators, when I had some problems with people outside and more. Most of them, I faced them by myself. God was very silent. That relationship with God is painful but meaningful because in the end, He showed me my nakedness. He stripped my soul to nothing and made me realize that I was carried by my pride and illusions.
If I would have the courage, I would have shouted to God: You have wounded my soul!” There was a time that I really quarreled with Him. He doesn’t seem to understand the pains in my heart. He just blew me out as if I was a dust. But in fact, in the end, I realized that I was a dust, so I was called for humility and obedience. I was too much of myself, so God blew me away, and I vanished into thin air and gone. I sat down in the little chapel and reflected on that after. My poor soul is nothing, so small, almost invisible, and for human beings, what is small is nothing. What is dust for us than disturbance and dirt! I was that way, who am I anyway, than nothing and dirt! Yet, I also feel, that in my nothingness, God was actually putting my soul at His side, making my soul so close to Him, to look into and little by little, He started the move: ‘to refashion my life according to His own design.’
MY SERAPHIC FAMILY
I looked back my favorite saints, whom I called my Seraphic Family and Friends, many of them were nothing on earth, many were sinful and converted, many grew as naughty and hardheaded children, yet God refashioned them. Proud to say, at the inner part of me, at the workshop of my life, God ‘wore the apron on’ and started refashioning my soul. My only contribution was to become docile like clay in His hands. He has “ungraspable” thoughts and I would never be able to fathom everything. He has so many secrets prepared for my soul, and all I could say is that everyday becomes surprisingly new to me. I heard of this invitation, to live like Christ- To become another Christ- so that my thinking, acting and even my breathing would be like Christ. I was so astonished of this realization, because that is too far spiritual and too impossible. How could it be? The more I would be finding difficulty in reaching Him this way.
One day, the feast of the Sacred Heart, I contemplated on this aspect. The heart speaks and listens, it has mouth and ears. I looked at the image of the Heart of Christ, and there was a celebration inside. It was a banquet, where saints and people were together in a form of ‘agape’. In that centre of my life, I understood then, those who are called for the agape are to be ready to break their values, attitudes and human thinking. To join the agape in the heart of Christ, there should be a ‘new you’, a converted soul, a reformed soul. My soul seemed to communicate with them, and I stood from afar, observing what was going inside. There, I understood the invitation for myself- that I should be drawn, magnetized by the heart of Christ. In the heart, my soul rested and found its home. The energy glitters within me. There was revival of my strength, of my enthusiasm, of my joys and amazement. I came out a new me. My soul understood that to enter into agape and to dine with the Lord is a restoration. To enter into the heart is to enter into the basic of relationship. To enter into the agape is a communion; it is an incorporation of souls into the soul of Christ. There is fraternity and sorority, an organization, and that everyone should be involved in the project, no matter how painful the process would be. It is almost like what Christ did, ‘to lay down your life for others’. Jesus humbled Himself even unto death. That is sorority or fraternity, to be involved with Him, even up to death.
TO REACH GOD
How do I reach Him? I think this is the main point of this reflection- to reduce myself into nothing, to reduce my understanding of images into the understanding of the heart of Christ, clinging to God in all ways. This is highly too spiritual and deep but I could not find any words suited to explain my points. Imagine once again the example of Jesus, God who humbled Himself, taking the form of a slave, offered His life for the sake of all. I would not be able to reach into that expression of humility. But it remains an invitation for He counts not the quantity of what I have now, on what I have accomplished, but on the quality of my being. This is the beauty of God, in the end; He is only concerned on your goodness and your simplicity.
Sometimes, I feel I am an old-fashioned soul, that I don’t belong on the trend of holy people in my time. But somehow, it is in my old style of silence and prayer that my soul is refilled, astonished by God’s greatness, that some hidden things in my mind were revealed to my soul in simple prayers. When I move around and sit outside, when I feed little ants (ants are my favorite insects) with sweets and chocolates, something new ideas always pop out from my mind, new realization of God’s generosity to my soul. God is not just marvelous, but He is full of splendor, and my soul is always energized by Him in many ways.
I contemplate and I think this is a gift to my soul. In many little ways, I feel this unbreakable gesture of love, that somehow, my umbilical cord is still very much attached with Him, though I am very much detached. What I mean is that God doesn’t want me to be dependent always so that I would lose my own creativity, so He set me free. On the other hand, my soul is also very attached, that if I break with Him, I would end up lifeless.
Silence, if there is a way, is always my mode of wasting time, I think, reflect and even question myself, and there revealed few things that I never thought of. It seems that there are a lot of things hidden that are only understood when we put ourselves in silence. When I sleep in the villages, there is complete darkness and my only joy is to look up the sky in silence. Thoughts are travelling faster, and few things that I have not seen in the past start to give its meaning. Truly, God loves my soul in such a deep manner, pure and full of affection. That is why, when I mentioned of ‘incorporation’, I am very certain that God takes care of everything. We just have to do our best and He will do the rest.
Prayer, silence and contemplation are laborious, but also pleasures. Not all people would enjoy to be alone and silent. At times, it doesn’t apply to me too. Deep within, there are still a lot of noise, therefore, I labor as a beggar, to work hard as a beggar before the Lord, to pray for my disturbance and whatever thoughts affecting my heart and soul. This reaching out to God often requires strength as we journey in the dark, and as I have mentioned, at times, He is too silent, as if He never hear our cries.
BRIGHTER DARKNESS
It is very consoling to reflect all the times, that once we get out from our darkness, there is also a realization of a power, something beyond grasp, and something that affects emotions, very incomprehensible. I wish I could hold all people in my heart. I wish I could love more and more. But these are all wishes for I cannot. I am even choosy. How come the Lord is able to do this? He is magnificent and His love is a virus, very contagious! That strong love remains a challenge, for my desires are very materialistic and full of vanities.
At one point in my life, I was so in love with somebody. It was a matter of the heart, yet, I could not hold the feelings by myself. I needed to share it, in a way that I was able to give it up freely and turned that love into pure offering. I was hungry for affection, and my soul cleaved for love, beyond the beatings of human hearts. I was longing for an answer, that my heart would be illuminated. And truly, the most important thing is to know how to love much, even to the point of facing pains, detachments, of setting one free. It requires a strong determination. There are things that the mind cannot understand but only the heart could interpret.
I am running out of time. I will try to see more in depth. My mind and heart are too squeezed that I could not think anymore.
With all my love and affection,
Raul
I am writing these messages out of my mind, perhaps, in many moments when I was feeling so lonely, down and arid spiritually. Those are moments when after bouncing back, I realized that a lot of things are really moving deep within me. There were moments in my journey when I feel I was walking under a deep and dark tunnel, my soul crying for help and longing for companionship and affection, but no one heard. Those were moments, alone in the dark, I cried out to my full voice, crying at the corner, sitting and embracing my legs, as if an abandoned child.
I am using the title ‘I Journey With Them’ because I feel that I journey in the past with people who have been treading all walks of life in real suffering, emotionally and spiritually, and nobody understood them. In my case, I felt that I journey, nobody have seen what is going on inside me, even the tears of pains and sufferings. They have become precious moments, jewels in my missionary journey.
CONTEMPLATION
I have written many times that my relationship with God is more on the matter of my heart. I am always a very vulnerable person, easy to get hurt and offended, yet, I keep these feelings within me. Nobody would notice of my sadness or the pain, because I voice out only when I am in silence. My silence is my remedy, it is my medicine. It is in silence that I feel very much understood and that my soul is able to be who I am, even if the wound is deep and painful. I pray many times with images and emptying of myself. It is in images that I feel I am understood best. When I see a little object, a little insect or anything so little, which is almost invisible in the eyes of man, I feel attracted right away. My soul seems to understand that littleness is somehow a gift when it is used in the right perspective.
For many times, I have questioned God about my destination. At times, I feel that to be a missionary is not enough, so I always have this crisis of life of silence and contemplation. Yet, I also feel inclined to believe that God has a purpose of my life now. I wished many times that God would understand and tell me answers right away, that He would show Himself and tell myself of my ambitions and dreams. But he doesn’t, He seem very silent when I cry and complained, when my soul is in pain, He seems to quiet Himself and leave me in seclusion. Yet, I never waver in my prayer, at least in the house, with the pattern of prayer, and my habit, I spend moments of silence before the community prayer.
God is tricky, and my soul is always a victim for this. He makes many things at times difficult for me, like for example with people, their attitudes and pride and their dealings. God loves to prick my soul with little needles, so that I don’t only feel the itchiness, but little and continuous pains. How many times did He allow me to face the pain by myself? Many, when my mother was so sickly and dying, when she became my luggage, when I left my work, when I didn’t go well with other seminarians and argue with my formators, when I had some problems with people outside and more. Most of them, I faced them by myself. God was very silent. That relationship with God is painful but meaningful because in the end, He showed me my nakedness. He stripped my soul to nothing and made me realize that I was carried by my pride and illusions.
If I would have the courage, I would have shouted to God: You have wounded my soul!” There was a time that I really quarreled with Him. He doesn’t seem to understand the pains in my heart. He just blew me out as if I was a dust. But in fact, in the end, I realized that I was a dust, so I was called for humility and obedience. I was too much of myself, so God blew me away, and I vanished into thin air and gone. I sat down in the little chapel and reflected on that after. My poor soul is nothing, so small, almost invisible, and for human beings, what is small is nothing. What is dust for us than disturbance and dirt! I was that way, who am I anyway, than nothing and dirt! Yet, I also feel, that in my nothingness, God was actually putting my soul at His side, making my soul so close to Him, to look into and little by little, He started the move: ‘to refashion my life according to His own design.’
MY SERAPHIC FAMILY
I looked back my favorite saints, whom I called my Seraphic Family and Friends, many of them were nothing on earth, many were sinful and converted, many grew as naughty and hardheaded children, yet God refashioned them. Proud to say, at the inner part of me, at the workshop of my life, God ‘wore the apron on’ and started refashioning my soul. My only contribution was to become docile like clay in His hands. He has “ungraspable” thoughts and I would never be able to fathom everything. He has so many secrets prepared for my soul, and all I could say is that everyday becomes surprisingly new to me. I heard of this invitation, to live like Christ- To become another Christ- so that my thinking, acting and even my breathing would be like Christ. I was so astonished of this realization, because that is too far spiritual and too impossible. How could it be? The more I would be finding difficulty in reaching Him this way.
One day, the feast of the Sacred Heart, I contemplated on this aspect. The heart speaks and listens, it has mouth and ears. I looked at the image of the Heart of Christ, and there was a celebration inside. It was a banquet, where saints and people were together in a form of ‘agape’. In that centre of my life, I understood then, those who are called for the agape are to be ready to break their values, attitudes and human thinking. To join the agape in the heart of Christ, there should be a ‘new you’, a converted soul, a reformed soul. My soul seemed to communicate with them, and I stood from afar, observing what was going inside. There, I understood the invitation for myself- that I should be drawn, magnetized by the heart of Christ. In the heart, my soul rested and found its home. The energy glitters within me. There was revival of my strength, of my enthusiasm, of my joys and amazement. I came out a new me. My soul understood that to enter into agape and to dine with the Lord is a restoration. To enter into the heart is to enter into the basic of relationship. To enter into the agape is a communion; it is an incorporation of souls into the soul of Christ. There is fraternity and sorority, an organization, and that everyone should be involved in the project, no matter how painful the process would be. It is almost like what Christ did, ‘to lay down your life for others’. Jesus humbled Himself even unto death. That is sorority or fraternity, to be involved with Him, even up to death.
TO REACH GOD
How do I reach Him? I think this is the main point of this reflection- to reduce myself into nothing, to reduce my understanding of images into the understanding of the heart of Christ, clinging to God in all ways. This is highly too spiritual and deep but I could not find any words suited to explain my points. Imagine once again the example of Jesus, God who humbled Himself, taking the form of a slave, offered His life for the sake of all. I would not be able to reach into that expression of humility. But it remains an invitation for He counts not the quantity of what I have now, on what I have accomplished, but on the quality of my being. This is the beauty of God, in the end; He is only concerned on your goodness and your simplicity.
Sometimes, I feel I am an old-fashioned soul, that I don’t belong on the trend of holy people in my time. But somehow, it is in my old style of silence and prayer that my soul is refilled, astonished by God’s greatness, that some hidden things in my mind were revealed to my soul in simple prayers. When I move around and sit outside, when I feed little ants (ants are my favorite insects) with sweets and chocolates, something new ideas always pop out from my mind, new realization of God’s generosity to my soul. God is not just marvelous, but He is full of splendor, and my soul is always energized by Him in many ways.
I contemplate and I think this is a gift to my soul. In many little ways, I feel this unbreakable gesture of love, that somehow, my umbilical cord is still very much attached with Him, though I am very much detached. What I mean is that God doesn’t want me to be dependent always so that I would lose my own creativity, so He set me free. On the other hand, my soul is also very attached, that if I break with Him, I would end up lifeless.
Silence, if there is a way, is always my mode of wasting time, I think, reflect and even question myself, and there revealed few things that I never thought of. It seems that there are a lot of things hidden that are only understood when we put ourselves in silence. When I sleep in the villages, there is complete darkness and my only joy is to look up the sky in silence. Thoughts are travelling faster, and few things that I have not seen in the past start to give its meaning. Truly, God loves my soul in such a deep manner, pure and full of affection. That is why, when I mentioned of ‘incorporation’, I am very certain that God takes care of everything. We just have to do our best and He will do the rest.
Prayer, silence and contemplation are laborious, but also pleasures. Not all people would enjoy to be alone and silent. At times, it doesn’t apply to me too. Deep within, there are still a lot of noise, therefore, I labor as a beggar, to work hard as a beggar before the Lord, to pray for my disturbance and whatever thoughts affecting my heart and soul. This reaching out to God often requires strength as we journey in the dark, and as I have mentioned, at times, He is too silent, as if He never hear our cries.
BRIGHTER DARKNESS
It is very consoling to reflect all the times, that once we get out from our darkness, there is also a realization of a power, something beyond grasp, and something that affects emotions, very incomprehensible. I wish I could hold all people in my heart. I wish I could love more and more. But these are all wishes for I cannot. I am even choosy. How come the Lord is able to do this? He is magnificent and His love is a virus, very contagious! That strong love remains a challenge, for my desires are very materialistic and full of vanities.
At one point in my life, I was so in love with somebody. It was a matter of the heart, yet, I could not hold the feelings by myself. I needed to share it, in a way that I was able to give it up freely and turned that love into pure offering. I was hungry for affection, and my soul cleaved for love, beyond the beatings of human hearts. I was longing for an answer, that my heart would be illuminated. And truly, the most important thing is to know how to love much, even to the point of facing pains, detachments, of setting one free. It requires a strong determination. There are things that the mind cannot understand but only the heart could interpret.
I am running out of time. I will try to see more in depth. My mind and heart are too squeezed that I could not think anymore.
With all my love and affection,
Raul
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