MY FATHER'S LONGING FOR MY SOUL
MY FATHER’S LONGING FOR MY SOUL
October 28th, 2005
Eucharistic Congress
St. Anne Cathedral
Chipata, Zambia
Dearest Raul, (Joseph Charles of the Crucified Christ)
“Maybe you are not aware of it, but I have called you by your name, I know everything of you.”
These words of the Lord entered into my soul and made its dwelling in my heart. The Lord has called me by name; He has given me a name ‘Raul’. But what is Raul for? What is its significance in my life as a priest today? I prayed over my name when I was a student, and up to now I marvel with my realization. Perhaps, my name is taken from ‘Paul’, the apostle who experienced conversion and wrote his accounts and many experience with the Lord, most of his letters were like apostolic letters to people, who souls he was guiding in spite of many people’s neglect.
Yes, the Lord called me from the bosom of the apostle Paul, which could mean ‘fidelity’, for Paul remained faithful to Christ up to the end. This has become the greatest invitation to me, ‘to be faithful to that “Somebody” who called me.’
As a novice, I had the greatest crisis in my life, which almost broke my relationship with the Comboni Missionaries. I almost made a decision to leave the congregation in order to seek a very silent and solitary life- a contemplative or a hermit. Tears came flowing like rain, day after day, feeling the pain of future separation from my congregation, which I dearly loved to the end.
I sought refuge from the saints in heaven, especially those who are so special in my heart. I had that great madness in the lives of saints, so that up to now, I have my own Seraphic Family and Friends in heaven.
So what is in my name then? March 19th, 1999, in the midst of this great crisis, St. Joseph, the husband of Mary, the mother of Jesus, opened my mind and my heart, helping me realize that I could be a contemplative in the world, doing the works entrusted to me with missionary hands- “That the call of God for me is to have a contemplative heart and hands of a missionary. It was such a strong impact, so that with that foundation of my Seraphic Family and Friends, I silently consecrated my soul before them, offering my life as an oblation, and was baptized by my Seraphic Family as Joseph Charles of the Crucified Christ, and I want this name up to the end of my life.
Charles de Foucauld was a martyr, who also experienced the greatest conversion in history as to faith and practices. He was a man filled with sensualities, lusts, riches, power and fame. He abused life and abandoned his Christian faith. But the Lord changed the foundation of his life, brought him into deep isolation and complete poverty, until he had nothing of his own, fully supported by the poverty of people in the Sahara, where he built his own hermitage and died as a martyr.
The Lord called my soul to understand the lifestyles of St. Joseph and Charles de Foucauld. They have a great influence in my spirituality, especially on issues like solitude, contemplation and listening the voice of God and complete abandonment of self into the hands of the Father, as Foucauld once wrote: “God took me by the hand and blindly I followed.” Indeed God took the hand of Joseph Charles of the Crucified Christ and blindly he followed.
The cross is most striking image that my soul could imagine. Jesus on the cross opened my soul’s eyes and heart to see the reality of the world and the sufferings of people. My soul spoke with the wounds of Christ and His greatest pains- not only of being crucified but of the neglects and resistance of people in accepting the will of the Father. The Crucified Christ became so dear to me, and for many times, just appeared in my prayer, as if it is a part of me. My soul entered into the reality of the Cross, was even crucified with the Lord back to back, scenes which I felt more attached to the Master of Life.
God indeed called my soul by name, to be faithful like Paul and to be incorporated into the person of Christ Crucified. I wasn’t aware in my early childhood that the abundance we enjoyed and the material richness to poverty was the way my soul was called, especially the sickness and paralysis of my dearest mother.
God called me by my name, for He knows all of me, of which, many aspects of myself are totally hidden, and by calling me, He was unravelling the many hidden aspects of my life.
05-01-06
“Raul, in me, you live and move and have your being, for you are my offspring." I knew you even before you were conceived.”
Isn’t it so inspiring of God to tell my sol like this? It’s true, without Him I can never move! I would never survive. To be counted an offspring of God brings great honour to my poor soul. Who am I by the way? I am nothing! My soul is like that little pebble, trampled upon by people. My soul lives in the mud, in darkness and pains. Yet, I am called an offspring of God, His own son like Jesus.
What gives so much consolation to my soul is that I am being known by God. In fact, I was a part of His plan so He took all the labour in knowing me, wanting my poor soul. He really bothered Himself so much, writing my name in His hand even before I was born; and I was given light and life.
Then my soul travelled into the valley of darkness. My soul was like a little child, crying at the corner. Yet amazingly, every time my soul gives up his defencelessness, there is a ray of light, a little glimpse of brightness. For many times, I had this experience and my only realization is that ‘God loves my soul in a special way’, so that after making my soul almost dead, He comes to a rescue, like the Knight of the shining armour.
10-01-06
Raul, you are wonderfully made.”
Sitting alone in the chapel, hearing the Lord saying me like! Isn’t it a big surprise! I mean, it sounds flattery from God, to be wonderful and beautiful, made by Him, It is an honour! Not all people will tell me that my soul is such a privileged one, made like that. I always believe that everything God has done is good, only humanity made them bad. The Lord is reminding my soul that the goodness in me should not make me proud and arrogant, but should be in the service of humanity.
At this point in my life, the Lord is revealing a lot to my soul, innumerable gifts and talents, what for? He knows how to use them, through my own faculties, He wants to reach people and touch them.
01-03-06
“Raul, I am the complete expression of love. Before you were born, you were already in my plan.”
The Lord made it clear to my soul that everything happened because of His love. The Lord loves my soul even to the minutest part of my life, including my own sinfulness, negligence and materialistic nature. The love of the Lord is beyond compare and my soul has experienced such. There were many times when I felt myself so dirty and sinful, when I felt I wasn’t giving the whole of me. Suddenly, circumstances came, joyful and painful events passed by like a kiss of wind, only for my soul to realize in the end that it was an expression of God’s love for me.
People, there are many of them, have told me personally that I am such a charming and cheerful person and people can easily fall in love with my nature. I have kept their words in my heart, now; I am convinced that I am what I am now and what people see of me because of God’s love.
16-03-06
“Raul, it is my desire to lavish you with love.”
After the long, hard and exhausting job from different small Christian communities, sitting alone, pouring out my emotions to the Lord, I always feel that assuring love of God, not only comforting my soul, but also reminding me not only of the love he has in store for me, but of many things. It always makes me realize time after time, that in the faces of the poor, hungry, dirty, smelly and struggling people, the Lord has planted that seed of love and that I have the responsibility to nurture them.
Sickness have evaded my body, barrenness and tiredness devoured my soul, but my spirit never retreated so that my soul would always come out recharged, fully aware of the presence of God and of the commitment he has for humanity. My soul is aware of this love and is ever grateful, for as what I have said many times, ‘my soul is flooded with love.’ Indeed, the Lord has lavished me with some affection, knowing that my soul is very emotional and very vulnerable, always seeking for His rescue. Yes, my soul is always longing like a beggar for the Father’s love and affection.
30-03-06
“Raul, I offer you everything more than your earthly father ever could.”
In our youth, my father was a very strict disciplinarian, very strict and beat us sometimes if commit mistakes. I realized that it was part of the formation: ‘to bend the twigs while they are young.’ I think I wouldn’t be what I am now without my father’s discipline.
But above all things, my father was (and even up to now that he is old) a great provider. He worked so hard, sacrificing even in far places that we may have life a better future. He never allowed our mother to work hard at home. She was in business. He washed our clothes whenever he is at home, cooked our food, and even up to now, he never misses to do many things.
Chastity wise, he was ever faithful to our mother and to us, his family, especially during those times when mother was very sick and became bedridden until her death.
Yet, the Father in heaven said: ‘He is more than my earthly father.’ He is everything! He provided even the wind, water, cloud etc. He provided my soul with such a love through people. He makes my soul that very special pearl, though hidden but shining. He led my soul into the light from darkness and pain. He allowed my soul to enter into such a deep peace and contentment, which I have never experienced before. My soul, the poor one, was made rich in holiness and love.
03-04-06
“Raul, every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.”
God is good and He is the source of all goodness. My soul is ever grateful for the goodness and generosity of the Father. He makes my soul fulfilled in spite of my unworthiness. I open my hands as an expression of unworthiness and emptiness, and He filled them with His love, His own expression of Providence. I feel my soul is like of Elizabeth: ‘Who am I that the Mother of the Lord has come to visit me?’ I have asked the Father always: Who am I that the Lord is treating me like this? His providence is beyond compare, even if I sinned against Him.
05-04-06
“Raul, my plan for your future has always been filled with hope.”
I don’t know if others have realized it, but I just feel that my soul is really privileged. Imagine the Lord has planned for my future with such a tremendous hope! At times, I feel I failed in some of my missionary activities. At times, I feel some kind of frustrations when people don’t get what I wanted. I have realized they are all for my own glory, not of God’s glory. I have frustrations perhaps, of my own greediness for a good result. Though my hope is nothing compared to the Lord’s, but I have great hopes for people, that they may have good harvest for the love and dedication that they have sowed in their hearts. They are so little, but to bring a single soul for God is enough to encourage more souls to be hopeful.
30-04-06
“Raul, my thoughts toward you are countless as the sand in the seashore.”
I imagine this vast crowd of sand, unaccountable, beyond numbers. My Lord and my God is counting me like this! He is thinking of me in immeasurable ways! My soul feels some kind of guilt, having material thoughts all the time than thinking of God’s business. My spiritual thoughts are still attached to my understanding of the world.
This poor soul of mine, perhaps, useless in the eyes of the Lord, yet, thought and fashioned to become useful. I just want to keep on enjoying this special privilege, until my soul finds its rest in the bosom of the Father. I want; that when I die, I will be given permission by God to look down, then, I will rain seeds of love, as what I have received from Him.
16-06-06
“Raul, I will never stop doing good to you.”
The Lord never did anything wrong to me, even once. In fact, He has done too much goodness. My soul is over flooded with so much goodness, that I could never think of any greater things to repay Him, no matter if I will give the whole of me, “I AM NOT ENOUGH!” That is why, in my own little ways, I try to make something pleasurable in His yes. If I have to count my good deeds, they are just a drop of water in the ocean. I think I have more sins and failures. But I am not afraid, like my Seraphic Sister Therese of the Child Jesus said: Our sins would just be like a drop of water in the fire.” Then, we will be purified.
04-10-06
“Raul, you are my treasured possession.”
I asked the Lord ‘How come?’ I am almost like a forgotten soul, buried in the heart of Africa. I am nothing at all but a simple stone, like one of the Rocky Mountains and hills of Malawi and Zambia. But the Lord answered me: “It is because you are so treasured jewel that I don’t want to expose you in the eyes of robbers and in the point of danger. I valued your soul a lot, for you are so treasured. I buried you deep in my heart, engraved, polished and lavished with love. You are so vulnerable, fragile, that I took care of you even in your times of pains and dangers. You are my crown and your soul will remain caressed by m y love.”
04-12-06
“Raul, I want to show you great and marvellous tings.”
I have this great fantasy of Eden, the Holy Garden, which was blessed with creatures of different kind. I tried to picture out the sun, moon and the stars and heavenly bodies. God put people to take care of everything, but instead of becoming protectors and co-creators, they have abused their power over the universe. Things have changed according to human labour and measurement.
Then I saw my soul entering into the garden and all creatures have started running away. All the marvels of God have been degraded by human touch and abuses. Then myself, pondering over the changes, experienced the inner movements. MY soul’s eyes were opened and God showed His power once again, the harmony of creation, the beauty of the world, the serenity of peoples’ hearts and minds, the union, the collaboration and incorporation of souls and spirits. My soul marvelled on God’s expression of concern and compassion. His marvellous work is His deep desire for peoples’ welfare. “Raul, your soul, and your brothers’ and sisters’ souls are my precious gems.”
12-12=06
“Raul, if you seek me with all your heart, you will find me.”
I see the love of the Father as conditional, but a hidden longing is clear: Raul, loo for me, abide with me for I am with you always. I feel that my poor soul has a great job to do, to fix on Him, but it is not easy because the world can keep me away. Yet, I am very certain of my soul’s journey, to travel in the midst of trials and challenges. The Father has a very clear assurance to my soul: ‘You will find me.’ That means that He will never run away from my poor soul, but initiates Himself a process to follow, and what is happening to my soul is God’s initiative after all. I would never be able to reach the goal without Him.
21-12-06
“Raul, delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.”
To delight with the Lord, to give all my pleasures, joys and worries, to offer my prayers and thanksgiving are His deep invitation, an expression of intimacy so that my soul may freely rest on His bosom.
What are the desires of my heart? I couldn’t even articulate them! I don’t know what my heart wants; I don’t know what my soul is looking. I humbly give myself and His will is my delight. I will try to live in His delight, even if it means deprivation and nothingness.
How can a poor soul delight in the Lord when he has nothing to give? Have many things and expressions of vanity, but soon they will fade and be consumed by fire and water. I have this greatest vanity in my heart, to live in holiness and sanctity of life, but to a poor and materialistic soul like mine, it is a struggle. At times, my soul will just have to cry because of my own failures. My struggle for holiness is a struggle, like a worm crawling on the ground. Only with the Lord’s power would I be able to go on.
25-12- o6
“Raul, I am able to do more for you than you can imagine.”
What other goodness can I ask for? God has made everything and they were good. As a seminarian, I used to go to confession, feeling the guilt, thinking that I could think more and do more than God. There are a lot of bad happenings, misfortunes and experiences ‘Why God remained silent all through out? I was too little to understand that in His silence, He was doing more good that I thought I could.
God has revealed to me in my reflections that His goodness is beyond compare that in spite of my personal ego and selfishness, His goodness can never be measure. I am nothing to compare myself to Him. My goodness is nothing because they are accompanied with pride and hypocrisy.
More good things, more peace and serenity and joy in my heart. God’s goodness is invisible in the eyes, but felt by the heart who receives them.
30-12-06
“Raul, I am your greatest encourager!
True enough, when I was down, in moments where I was feeling helpless, when I was in great trouble, I didn’t have anybody to run to and my only refuge was God. During those moments, my soul was always crying at the corner and I was in the middle of the night with God, like an abandoned soul. Even during those days, God seemed sleeping too,
The death of my mother, my uncle, and my sour relationships with Edgar, Mark and Nolie and my many little pains, pierced me deeply. God was in complete silence and I was bleeding.
I realized later on that God strengthened my soul dearly in those moments. I gained deep wisdom and my humility and acceptance of my life widened. For many times now, I just see all my pains as my own expression of sharing the pains of God.
The Lord encouraged my soul: Raul, get up! BE counted upon! I have plans for you! My soul’s windows were opened wide and my heart could listen clearly the voice of God.
October 28th, 2005
Eucharistic Congress
St. Anne Cathedral
Chipata, Zambia
Dearest Raul, (Joseph Charles of the Crucified Christ)
“Maybe you are not aware of it, but I have called you by your name, I know everything of you.”
These words of the Lord entered into my soul and made its dwelling in my heart. The Lord has called me by name; He has given me a name ‘Raul’. But what is Raul for? What is its significance in my life as a priest today? I prayed over my name when I was a student, and up to now I marvel with my realization. Perhaps, my name is taken from ‘Paul’, the apostle who experienced conversion and wrote his accounts and many experience with the Lord, most of his letters were like apostolic letters to people, who souls he was guiding in spite of many people’s neglect.
Yes, the Lord called me from the bosom of the apostle Paul, which could mean ‘fidelity’, for Paul remained faithful to Christ up to the end. This has become the greatest invitation to me, ‘to be faithful to that “Somebody” who called me.’
As a novice, I had the greatest crisis in my life, which almost broke my relationship with the Comboni Missionaries. I almost made a decision to leave the congregation in order to seek a very silent and solitary life- a contemplative or a hermit. Tears came flowing like rain, day after day, feeling the pain of future separation from my congregation, which I dearly loved to the end.
I sought refuge from the saints in heaven, especially those who are so special in my heart. I had that great madness in the lives of saints, so that up to now, I have my own Seraphic Family and Friends in heaven.
So what is in my name then? March 19th, 1999, in the midst of this great crisis, St. Joseph, the husband of Mary, the mother of Jesus, opened my mind and my heart, helping me realize that I could be a contemplative in the world, doing the works entrusted to me with missionary hands- “That the call of God for me is to have a contemplative heart and hands of a missionary. It was such a strong impact, so that with that foundation of my Seraphic Family and Friends, I silently consecrated my soul before them, offering my life as an oblation, and was baptized by my Seraphic Family as Joseph Charles of the Crucified Christ, and I want this name up to the end of my life.
Charles de Foucauld was a martyr, who also experienced the greatest conversion in history as to faith and practices. He was a man filled with sensualities, lusts, riches, power and fame. He abused life and abandoned his Christian faith. But the Lord changed the foundation of his life, brought him into deep isolation and complete poverty, until he had nothing of his own, fully supported by the poverty of people in the Sahara, where he built his own hermitage and died as a martyr.
The Lord called my soul to understand the lifestyles of St. Joseph and Charles de Foucauld. They have a great influence in my spirituality, especially on issues like solitude, contemplation and listening the voice of God and complete abandonment of self into the hands of the Father, as Foucauld once wrote: “God took me by the hand and blindly I followed.” Indeed God took the hand of Joseph Charles of the Crucified Christ and blindly he followed.
The cross is most striking image that my soul could imagine. Jesus on the cross opened my soul’s eyes and heart to see the reality of the world and the sufferings of people. My soul spoke with the wounds of Christ and His greatest pains- not only of being crucified but of the neglects and resistance of people in accepting the will of the Father. The Crucified Christ became so dear to me, and for many times, just appeared in my prayer, as if it is a part of me. My soul entered into the reality of the Cross, was even crucified with the Lord back to back, scenes which I felt more attached to the Master of Life.
God indeed called my soul by name, to be faithful like Paul and to be incorporated into the person of Christ Crucified. I wasn’t aware in my early childhood that the abundance we enjoyed and the material richness to poverty was the way my soul was called, especially the sickness and paralysis of my dearest mother.
God called me by my name, for He knows all of me, of which, many aspects of myself are totally hidden, and by calling me, He was unravelling the many hidden aspects of my life.
05-01-06
“Raul, in me, you live and move and have your being, for you are my offspring." I knew you even before you were conceived.”
Isn’t it so inspiring of God to tell my sol like this? It’s true, without Him I can never move! I would never survive. To be counted an offspring of God brings great honour to my poor soul. Who am I by the way? I am nothing! My soul is like that little pebble, trampled upon by people. My soul lives in the mud, in darkness and pains. Yet, I am called an offspring of God, His own son like Jesus.
What gives so much consolation to my soul is that I am being known by God. In fact, I was a part of His plan so He took all the labour in knowing me, wanting my poor soul. He really bothered Himself so much, writing my name in His hand even before I was born; and I was given light and life.
Then my soul travelled into the valley of darkness. My soul was like a little child, crying at the corner. Yet amazingly, every time my soul gives up his defencelessness, there is a ray of light, a little glimpse of brightness. For many times, I had this experience and my only realization is that ‘God loves my soul in a special way’, so that after making my soul almost dead, He comes to a rescue, like the Knight of the shining armour.
10-01-06
Raul, you are wonderfully made.”
Sitting alone in the chapel, hearing the Lord saying me like! Isn’t it a big surprise! I mean, it sounds flattery from God, to be wonderful and beautiful, made by Him, It is an honour! Not all people will tell me that my soul is such a privileged one, made like that. I always believe that everything God has done is good, only humanity made them bad. The Lord is reminding my soul that the goodness in me should not make me proud and arrogant, but should be in the service of humanity.
At this point in my life, the Lord is revealing a lot to my soul, innumerable gifts and talents, what for? He knows how to use them, through my own faculties, He wants to reach people and touch them.
01-03-06
“Raul, I am the complete expression of love. Before you were born, you were already in my plan.”
The Lord made it clear to my soul that everything happened because of His love. The Lord loves my soul even to the minutest part of my life, including my own sinfulness, negligence and materialistic nature. The love of the Lord is beyond compare and my soul has experienced such. There were many times when I felt myself so dirty and sinful, when I felt I wasn’t giving the whole of me. Suddenly, circumstances came, joyful and painful events passed by like a kiss of wind, only for my soul to realize in the end that it was an expression of God’s love for me.
People, there are many of them, have told me personally that I am such a charming and cheerful person and people can easily fall in love with my nature. I have kept their words in my heart, now; I am convinced that I am what I am now and what people see of me because of God’s love.
16-03-06
“Raul, it is my desire to lavish you with love.”
After the long, hard and exhausting job from different small Christian communities, sitting alone, pouring out my emotions to the Lord, I always feel that assuring love of God, not only comforting my soul, but also reminding me not only of the love he has in store for me, but of many things. It always makes me realize time after time, that in the faces of the poor, hungry, dirty, smelly and struggling people, the Lord has planted that seed of love and that I have the responsibility to nurture them.
Sickness have evaded my body, barrenness and tiredness devoured my soul, but my spirit never retreated so that my soul would always come out recharged, fully aware of the presence of God and of the commitment he has for humanity. My soul is aware of this love and is ever grateful, for as what I have said many times, ‘my soul is flooded with love.’ Indeed, the Lord has lavished me with some affection, knowing that my soul is very emotional and very vulnerable, always seeking for His rescue. Yes, my soul is always longing like a beggar for the Father’s love and affection.
30-03-06
“Raul, I offer you everything more than your earthly father ever could.”
In our youth, my father was a very strict disciplinarian, very strict and beat us sometimes if commit mistakes. I realized that it was part of the formation: ‘to bend the twigs while they are young.’ I think I wouldn’t be what I am now without my father’s discipline.
But above all things, my father was (and even up to now that he is old) a great provider. He worked so hard, sacrificing even in far places that we may have life a better future. He never allowed our mother to work hard at home. She was in business. He washed our clothes whenever he is at home, cooked our food, and even up to now, he never misses to do many things.
Chastity wise, he was ever faithful to our mother and to us, his family, especially during those times when mother was very sick and became bedridden until her death.
Yet, the Father in heaven said: ‘He is more than my earthly father.’ He is everything! He provided even the wind, water, cloud etc. He provided my soul with such a love through people. He makes my soul that very special pearl, though hidden but shining. He led my soul into the light from darkness and pain. He allowed my soul to enter into such a deep peace and contentment, which I have never experienced before. My soul, the poor one, was made rich in holiness and love.
03-04-06
“Raul, every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.”
God is good and He is the source of all goodness. My soul is ever grateful for the goodness and generosity of the Father. He makes my soul fulfilled in spite of my unworthiness. I open my hands as an expression of unworthiness and emptiness, and He filled them with His love, His own expression of Providence. I feel my soul is like of Elizabeth: ‘Who am I that the Mother of the Lord has come to visit me?’ I have asked the Father always: Who am I that the Lord is treating me like this? His providence is beyond compare, even if I sinned against Him.
05-04-06
“Raul, my plan for your future has always been filled with hope.”
I don’t know if others have realized it, but I just feel that my soul is really privileged. Imagine the Lord has planned for my future with such a tremendous hope! At times, I feel I failed in some of my missionary activities. At times, I feel some kind of frustrations when people don’t get what I wanted. I have realized they are all for my own glory, not of God’s glory. I have frustrations perhaps, of my own greediness for a good result. Though my hope is nothing compared to the Lord’s, but I have great hopes for people, that they may have good harvest for the love and dedication that they have sowed in their hearts. They are so little, but to bring a single soul for God is enough to encourage more souls to be hopeful.
30-04-06
“Raul, my thoughts toward you are countless as the sand in the seashore.”
I imagine this vast crowd of sand, unaccountable, beyond numbers. My Lord and my God is counting me like this! He is thinking of me in immeasurable ways! My soul feels some kind of guilt, having material thoughts all the time than thinking of God’s business. My spiritual thoughts are still attached to my understanding of the world.
This poor soul of mine, perhaps, useless in the eyes of the Lord, yet, thought and fashioned to become useful. I just want to keep on enjoying this special privilege, until my soul finds its rest in the bosom of the Father. I want; that when I die, I will be given permission by God to look down, then, I will rain seeds of love, as what I have received from Him.
16-06-06
“Raul, I will never stop doing good to you.”
The Lord never did anything wrong to me, even once. In fact, He has done too much goodness. My soul is over flooded with so much goodness, that I could never think of any greater things to repay Him, no matter if I will give the whole of me, “I AM NOT ENOUGH!” That is why, in my own little ways, I try to make something pleasurable in His yes. If I have to count my good deeds, they are just a drop of water in the ocean. I think I have more sins and failures. But I am not afraid, like my Seraphic Sister Therese of the Child Jesus said: Our sins would just be like a drop of water in the fire.” Then, we will be purified.
04-10-06
“Raul, you are my treasured possession.”
I asked the Lord ‘How come?’ I am almost like a forgotten soul, buried in the heart of Africa. I am nothing at all but a simple stone, like one of the Rocky Mountains and hills of Malawi and Zambia. But the Lord answered me: “It is because you are so treasured jewel that I don’t want to expose you in the eyes of robbers and in the point of danger. I valued your soul a lot, for you are so treasured. I buried you deep in my heart, engraved, polished and lavished with love. You are so vulnerable, fragile, that I took care of you even in your times of pains and dangers. You are my crown and your soul will remain caressed by m y love.”
04-12-06
“Raul, I want to show you great and marvellous tings.”
I have this great fantasy of Eden, the Holy Garden, which was blessed with creatures of different kind. I tried to picture out the sun, moon and the stars and heavenly bodies. God put people to take care of everything, but instead of becoming protectors and co-creators, they have abused their power over the universe. Things have changed according to human labour and measurement.
Then I saw my soul entering into the garden and all creatures have started running away. All the marvels of God have been degraded by human touch and abuses. Then myself, pondering over the changes, experienced the inner movements. MY soul’s eyes were opened and God showed His power once again, the harmony of creation, the beauty of the world, the serenity of peoples’ hearts and minds, the union, the collaboration and incorporation of souls and spirits. My soul marvelled on God’s expression of concern and compassion. His marvellous work is His deep desire for peoples’ welfare. “Raul, your soul, and your brothers’ and sisters’ souls are my precious gems.”
12-12=06
“Raul, if you seek me with all your heart, you will find me.”
I see the love of the Father as conditional, but a hidden longing is clear: Raul, loo for me, abide with me for I am with you always. I feel that my poor soul has a great job to do, to fix on Him, but it is not easy because the world can keep me away. Yet, I am very certain of my soul’s journey, to travel in the midst of trials and challenges. The Father has a very clear assurance to my soul: ‘You will find me.’ That means that He will never run away from my poor soul, but initiates Himself a process to follow, and what is happening to my soul is God’s initiative after all. I would never be able to reach the goal without Him.
21-12-06
“Raul, delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.”
To delight with the Lord, to give all my pleasures, joys and worries, to offer my prayers and thanksgiving are His deep invitation, an expression of intimacy so that my soul may freely rest on His bosom.
What are the desires of my heart? I couldn’t even articulate them! I don’t know what my heart wants; I don’t know what my soul is looking. I humbly give myself and His will is my delight. I will try to live in His delight, even if it means deprivation and nothingness.
How can a poor soul delight in the Lord when he has nothing to give? Have many things and expressions of vanity, but soon they will fade and be consumed by fire and water. I have this greatest vanity in my heart, to live in holiness and sanctity of life, but to a poor and materialistic soul like mine, it is a struggle. At times, my soul will just have to cry because of my own failures. My struggle for holiness is a struggle, like a worm crawling on the ground. Only with the Lord’s power would I be able to go on.
25-12- o6
“Raul, I am able to do more for you than you can imagine.”
What other goodness can I ask for? God has made everything and they were good. As a seminarian, I used to go to confession, feeling the guilt, thinking that I could think more and do more than God. There are a lot of bad happenings, misfortunes and experiences ‘Why God remained silent all through out? I was too little to understand that in His silence, He was doing more good that I thought I could.
God has revealed to me in my reflections that His goodness is beyond compare that in spite of my personal ego and selfishness, His goodness can never be measure. I am nothing to compare myself to Him. My goodness is nothing because they are accompanied with pride and hypocrisy.
More good things, more peace and serenity and joy in my heart. God’s goodness is invisible in the eyes, but felt by the heart who receives them.
30-12-06
“Raul, I am your greatest encourager!
True enough, when I was down, in moments where I was feeling helpless, when I was in great trouble, I didn’t have anybody to run to and my only refuge was God. During those moments, my soul was always crying at the corner and I was in the middle of the night with God, like an abandoned soul. Even during those days, God seemed sleeping too,
The death of my mother, my uncle, and my sour relationships with Edgar, Mark and Nolie and my many little pains, pierced me deeply. God was in complete silence and I was bleeding.
I realized later on that God strengthened my soul dearly in those moments. I gained deep wisdom and my humility and acceptance of my life widened. For many times now, I just see all my pains as my own expression of sharing the pains of God.
The Lord encouraged my soul: Raul, get up! BE counted upon! I have plans for you! My soul’s windows were opened wide and my heart could listen clearly the voice of God.
All these revelations of God to my soul, shaped my spirituality!
ReplyDelete