Raul Tabaranza blog

There is another beautiful message in the gospel today. In my fifties by now, many things have changed in my life. Since from my child in Mapang, Rizal ZN, to our transfer to Sibutad ZN, to high school and college, working in the bank, moving around the world and becoming a missionary, so many many things have changed. Changes that brought positivity and great joy in my life. But there were changes also that brought pain, death in the family, hardships in studies, rejections, broken relationships, difficulties in the mission, harassments and many forms of pains and hostilities that almost brought downfall in my life. But all the same, whether negative or positive, we have to welcome changes. You see in the gospel today, people were very much admiring of the temple in Jerusalem- the altar decorated with precious gem, very expensive stones. The beautiful temple was adored by people and it became the centre of worship. But so many are just admiring of the beauty of the material c

"There is nothing left to fear than the harshness of a heart of stone. There the monks pray to God for the “gift of tears” so that their hearts might find comfort.” And according to the author, Freddy Dewahl, “The gift of tears- judging from Jean-Pierre’s face, he has cried many tears out of gratitude.” This is another powerful message for me. The gift of tears. I asked myself, “When was the last time that I cried?” I cried when I celebrated the funeral of my Tsonga teacher, Douglas. He was so young, just in his 30’s. He died early of 2021, very sudden, not even showing any illness. He became a good friend to me. We shared a lot of jokes as we both dug deeper the language. I cried too when a confrere of the community died last year. At 92, Fr. Aldo was full of energy and wisdom. We argued many times, but on his deathbed, he requested me to sit at his side to listen to his confessions. Then I was also the one who closed his eyes for the last time. But I cried more i

Thomas Merton said that: " If we really want prayer, we'll have to give it time, we must slow down to a human tempo and we'll begin to have time to listen. And as soon as we listen to what is going on, things will begin to take shape themselves." I really think about this deeply, because as if I live a busy life, and even if I pray, I feel I pray very little. I should say, I really spend a lot of time for personal silence and prayer, but I feel I pray little. I don't know why. I love what Merton said: "Today, time is a commodity, and for each one of us, time is mortgaged." Like time is about work and commitments, it is about office things, business and accounting. Time is about social media and many other forms of communications, mostly with virtual friends. We forget the time of God, the "kairos" moment, and I guess it brings us back into personal silence and prayer. Kairos is that qualitative time of life, the opportune time, the

THE ANGUISH This thought I just borrowed, which seemed fitting to my painting. There is the positive side of Anguish- Spiritual Anguish. “11Therefore I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. 12Am I a sea, or a whale, that thou settest a watch over me? 13When I say, My bed shall comfort me, my couch shall ease my complaint; 14Then thou scarest me with dreams, and terrifiest me through visions: 15So that my soul chooseth strangling, and death rather than my life. 16I loathe it; I would not live alway: let me alone; for my days are vanity. 17What is man, that thou shouldest magnify him? and that thou shouldest set thine heart upon him? 18And that thou shouldest visit him every morning, and try him every moment? 19How long wilt thou not depart from me, nor let me alone till I swallow down my spittle? 20I have sinned; what shall I do unto thee, O thou preserver of men? why hast thou set me as a mark

GOD DESIRES TO BE MY THIRST “God desires to be my thirst. By retreating, He lets me discover Himself. By concealing, He reveals His secrets; and by withholding Himself from us, He delivers Himself.” Excerpt from the book of Hadewijch, a Flemish mystic of the Middle Ages. This is also quoted by Freddy Derwahl, the author of the Last Monk of Tibhirine. I really don’t know why these words caught my attention while reading the book. Perhaps, I could see these lines very relatable to me. There was a time in my life that I was filled with spiritual barrenness, though I was exercising my mission with so much energy and enthusiasm. People have seen me so warm, happy and energetic. They even called me “happy man” because of my happy disposition. But deep within me was a deep longing and spiritual drowsiness. I thought I was just exhausted. It was more than that, I just felt that my well was drying out. The water inside was like finishing. I was spiritually gasping. I prayed and p

Letter to my mother.... Dearest Nanay, I am just missing you. I guess this big and empty space in my heart is because I am longing for you. It has been 18 years since you left and I am still feeling this great emptiness within me. I am so sorry I was not with you in your difficult moments until you departed. I understand the reason of my pain, of my sadness and longing for affection now. As I am trying to process my whole journey in this sabbatical year, this emotion is a constant issue, occurring many times in my encounters with my psychologist. It is because I have not expressed to you in words my gratitude. Thank you very much for everything. Thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for raising me. Thank you for educating me, for allowing me to grow as a good citizen. Thank you for all the efforts, the hard work, for waking up so early to attend for our daily needs. Thank you for loving me. I am a good son. I have good brothers and sister, in-laws, nieces and and nephews.